These days we are navigating so many worlds in dating. There’s the virtual world, the tech world, the Facebook world and the real world. With so much emphasis on technology, people get so caught up in making a grand appearance. Too bad it doesn’t always match who they are in the real world.
The latest and greatest in social media allows anyone to be ‘Someone’. The socially inept guy is suddenly a Lothario through his well-crafted words, the straight-laced computer geek becomes super hip through his hi-tech graphic skills, the ugly duckling becomes a swan after uploading an amazing picture that took her 82 tries to get the right angle that hid her imperfections or the highly accomplished gentleman who proudly lists his Ivy-league education and impressive income but has no clue how to make a woman laugh. In one respect, technology has made it easier for singles that are somehow “challenged” in the dating world. Hiding behind technology is a sport these days. Unfortunately, it can become “Game Over” when we step out into the real world. Which is why the art of connection is still and will always be the most important “tool” in dating. So it’s essential to address those things that stand in your way of meeting your potential mate. If you’re posting pictures from more than 5 years ago because you want to appeal to a younger age range, chances are you are fishing in an inappropriate age range to begin with. Think it’s clever to send a picture of you from 20 pounds ago? Surely they won’t notice when you meet them in person! Is your online picture strategically shot where it covers up your bald head? Don’t think she’ll notice when you take off that baseball cap, huh? Are your social skills an “8” online and a”2” off line?
Come on, people. There are two options here: accept or change. Accept who you are – imperfections and all -- and OWN IT which means you will not hide your less-than-perfect “bits”. Besides, the person who falls in love with you will love all of you and that’s who you want to meet.
Or change. If you’re ashamed of the extra weight, do something about it. The dating pool becomes exponentially larger as you become smaller (aka more fit). If you’re unsure about how to approach / connect with singles, hire a dating coach or join a few groups.
Step out of your comfort zone and into the real world. It’s a much more rewarding place to be and feel.
One of the main reasons that we decided to go into the dating / matchmaking field was that we wanted to help singles be better prepared for dating. Emotionally prepared, conversationally prepared and behaviorally prepared. People rarely considered what kind of impression they wanted to make or how they wanted to lead. Have you thought about things you want your date to know about you…….or not know about you right away?
In our business, we’ve come across a lot of “open books” – people who have few filters and are compelled to share everything including the unsavory. Often they do this without realizing the effect of their full disclosure. They get comfortable with the other person and decide to reveal their deepest and darkest….on a first date! Sure, it makes them feel good for getting something off their chest but now they’re left with a date who smiles politely and supportively and then calls their matchmaker (or friend) the next day saying how shocked and turned off they were by something he / she said. Retaining a little mystery goes a long way.
Remember: the person sitting across from you is a stranger. Somebody who is still deciding if they like you or want to see you again. There is plenty of time to tell them about your horrible divorce or sad financial situation or that you’re over 40 and still have a roommate or that those aren’t your real teeth / hair / boobs or that you smoke pot every day or that you’re a recovering addict or that you haven’t had sex in almost 5 years, etc... NONE of these things are wrong or “bad” but all of them have one thing in common: inappropriate timing. It’s very important to differentiate yourself from the masses with your positive attributes, rather than ones that can potentially alienate you from the other person or encourage them to draw premature and inaccurate conclusions. There will be plenty of time to air your dirty laundry once there’s an established foundation within your relationship. And no, it’s not being sneaky withholding certain things initially as long as they’re just details and do not represent who you really are as a whole. The first few dates are meant to reveal if there’s a connection so lead with all of your assets and leave the liabilities for a rainy day. When both parties are “in it to win it”, there’s a better chance for them to stick around for glitches that inevitably arise.
Feel. Share. Love.
Recently I was having lunch with a gorgeous single friend of mine. He’s a successful guy in his 40’s, tall, attractive, never-been-married, charming, a catch. He expressed his dismay with the quality of women whom he’s been “dating” which baffled me. Wait! Look at you. How are you not attracting what you’re looking for? I thought. He went on to regale me with stories of superficial women who were unable to keep up with his wit or intelligence. I found that hard to believe. While his stories were amusing, they lacked a pattern. Usually I’m able to immediately understand what someone’s “pattern” is. People are very open about their tendency to attract certain types; the emotionally unavailable type (aka players / narcissists), the unstable ones or the way-too-busy kind, etc...but he did not seem to have a pattern. His dates were all across the board. I soon found out why.
“Well what exactly are you looking for?” I asked. “I’m not sure” he replied. Uh…what?! He explained that he didn’t want to get too specific with what he was looking for (because he wasn’t sure) but at the same time he was exhausted with dating and could not wait to settle down. I was surprised that he did not give it more thought. “Besides chemistry and attraction, what else is important to you? What qualities are fundamental to your well being? What qualities would repel you?” I prodded. He was hemming and hawing and could not really give me a solid answer. No wonder he was exhausted. He was dating women who looked good at the time but who did not have sustainable qualities. The one question that I asked that seemed to bring it all together for him was this: What do you want your life to look like in the next 40 years? A complex, yet simple question that is very revealing. I’m not talking about goals; I want to know how you want to feel when you think about your future. Is your house full of kids or none or just one? Do you feel more music, chaos or serenity in your home? Do you want to feel alive with a lot of traveling? Or living abroad. Or maybe you envision a simple lifestyle with sunsets and books. Perhaps you feel yourself living a life with more adventure and risk taking. Whatever lifestyle you desire, choose someone who will appreciate the same quality of life. Being with someone who shares your love for the simple things in life – the everyday stuff that makes up and matters in your life – is gold. It’s not about sharing the same hobbies or even passions; rather it’s about being able to create extraordinary moments out of ordinary ones with a partner who appreciates the same nuance in life. So find someone whose heart sings to the same groove as yours and you will be making beautiful music together for a long time.
