One Simple Way to Stand Out on a First Date

We’ve recently started noticing that every time we ask a new client what they like to do for fun, their eyes glaze over. 

Nine out of ten of them cannot answer the question. Most of the time, they say ‘working out, hiking or spending time with friends’.

That’s fine. No judgement here but since we’re in the business of  helping people shine and make a remarkable  first impression as we introduce them to their match, it’s important to consider this:

If you’re not rocking your own world, how do you expect anyone worthy to want to be in it?

We live in a culture where our self-worth is tied to our net worth and living a fulfilling life means being busy. But boring lives attract boring people. Having a variety of interests that go beyond work is super attractive. People want to be around interesting people who are engaged with the world and their own life. If you’re looking for a well-rounded, fun, engaging, attractive person with whom to build a life, start paying attention to how you’re living your own life.

Here are four ways for you to stand out and show that you’re living a fun, interesting and engaging life:

Have good stories ready. If you want to show someone that you’re living an interesting life, have some good anecdotes ready to share. It’s more dynamic to show who you are through stories than statements.  Another great way to be interesting is to ask interesting questions. Like ‘What’s your idea of paradise?’ or ‘What is the craziest thing you’ve experienced on a trip?’ or ‘What’s something surprising about you?’

Be around people who inspire you to live a cool life. Jim Rohn said ‘You’re the average of the five people you spend the most time with’.  Are the people in your life interesting, positive, and adventurous who encourage you to explore life?  Or are they judgmental, close-minded and somewhat limiting?  The few who are closest to us have the greatest impact on our way of thinking, our self-esteem and our decisions. So take stock of the value that people add (or remove) in your life. It will greatly influence who you attract.

Be true to what moves you. Saying traveling (or anything else that you do infrequently) is your passion when you barely go on one trip a year for 10 days is a holiday not a passion. If you truly enjoy discovering new places and cultures, start planning more trips or at least research where you’d like to go so that you have something interesting to share. You owe it to yourself to discover what lights your fire. Why else are we here?

Pay attention to your everyday choices. The quality of your life is determined by the choices you make each day. Your lifestyle is about doing what you value consistently. It’s not about waiting for when you’re in a relationship to do cool things. That’s lazy and safe. Start small. Integrate one new or different experience every month. Strive to thrive in your life, not just survive and you will be a magnet for exciting, interesting people who do the same.

Men Dish about the Top 7 Things That Attract Them on a First Date

They say men fall in love with their eyes and women fall in love with their ears.

While physical attraction is the first thing that gets them in the door, there are a few other ‘essentials’ that initially captivate men and keep them interested in moving forward  with a woman they just met.

Here are seven qualities that consistently come up for our eligible bachelors (and guarantee them asking for a second date):

1. Fun. This is always #1. A woman who is playful, has a decent sense of adventure and doesn’t take life too seriously is wildly attractive for a man. “She laughs easily and appreciates the little things in life” is a recurring statement.
   
2. Positive. Sometimes we hear “She was such a Debby Downer”. Everyone goes through challenging moments in their life where they need to vent but a first date with a stranger is not the place to unload in detail. “A woman who is happy with her life is wife material for me” said quite a few of the gentlemen in our portfolio.
   
3. Flexible. “The opposite of high-maintenance. My dream woman loves champagne but she’s also cool drinking a beer with me” declared our European client. Too many rules, a rigid mindset or saying “I hate ….” Or “I can’t stand …..” is a big turn-off for men.
   
4. Authentic. Being genuine comes up a lot. Poseurs, name-droppers, label-shamers and over-all superficiality were deal breakers. One gentleman was so turned off when one of the first things his date asked him was “What are you wearing?” (She worked in fashion, but still). Guys don’t care about whom you know either. They only care about how you make them feel during the date.
   
5. Kind. This golden quality goes a long way. Men pay attention. They observe how you speak with the wait staff, others around you, on a phone call, etc...If you’re nasty or dismissive with others but turn towards your date with a smile, he will take note. And eventually, take off. “I had a huge checklist before I met my wife. There was only one thing on that list I would never overlook: a genuinely kindhearted person” said Mark, one of our happily married (former) clients.

6. Smart. “Being intellectually stimulating and having the ability to hold real discussions about meaningful topics will always supersede shallow beauty in the long run” said one CEO of a huge technology firm. According to him, “it’s not about how smart she is or what she knows; it’s more about her curiosity about different topics and her desire to know more”.
   
7. Independent. Many men try to steer clear of women who they perceive as“expecting me to go out of my way to entertain her or think of things to do”. They do not want to be a woman’s primary source of entertainment. This sentiment is consistent: “A woman with her own life is incredibly attractive”. Her own life means: her own career, her own set of friends, her own way of thinking and her own dreams.

It’s interesting to note that men seem to be more charmed by how a woman is being than what she is doing.

Four Simple Skills in Dating You Need to Master Now

Dating is sheer torture for a lot of people.

And yet, there are some people who have had consistently good experiences and actually enjoy dating. How so?  With the right mindset. These savvy singles have learned how to approach dating in a very specific way that guarantees they have a great date every time.

Here are four simple skills you can apply to your dating life to have a significantly better experience:

1) Remember it’s more about choosing than being chosen. Successful daters are confident in their value and in presenting themselves authentically that they don’t worry about their date liking them but only about whether they like their date. This is wildly liberating and attractive.

2) Ask yourself this question. Going into a date wondering if the other person may be "The One" puts too much pressure on you, the experience and the other person. Go in with low expectations and instead of speculating if you’re about to meet your soul mate, ask yourself “What can I learn from this person?” Your feelings should stay on that question throughout the entire date. Curiosity is sexy. Tell yourself that all you want from the date is to know the person, hear their story and get their perspective on life. Perhaps you’ll make a life-long friend or valuable business contact or mentor . Or maybe you will never see them again. But with this mindset, it doesn’t matter. It's more about the opportunity to experience a new person and figure out what turns you on –and off—in a potential mate. Finding something interesting in everyone you meet is a choice.

3) Fire your monkey brain. Most people are in their head so much during a date that they are rarely present. How pointless. Dating should be a delicate dance of culling and sharing information; the only way to do that is to listen and be present. How can you fully experience a person if you’re constantly worried about what you’re saying, how you’re coming across or what you’ll say next? RELAX. Instead of focusing on how you think you should be, have the courage to be who you really are.

4) Nip the Negative Nancy’s in your life. There’s never a shortage of friends who love to commiserate with you on your / their nightmare dating stories or lack of available candidates. Don’t perpetuate the crazy. Words have power. If you speak too negatively about your love life for too long, you just may create your very own self-fulfilling prophecy. Try to surround yourself with positive people who are open-minded, encouraging and adventurous. Talk with your coupled friends who are supportive. Listen to their love stories. Say Yes to ALL set-ups and find the silver lining in each of them.

Norman Vincent Peale said “Change your thoughts and you change your world”.

Your happy ending begins with the right attitude. So if you’re going to show up, you may as well shine!

The Best Places to Meet Worthwhile Singles in LA

(Happy Valentine’s Day!) 

Being a matchmaker means knowing where to meet high-quality singles.

We need to be creative, discerning and efficient with time. Here’s a list of our tried-and-true places/activities where we have met some of the most eligible singles in Los Angeles:

1. Cultural (networking) events. It doesn’t matter if you don’t really need to network for your business, go to events. Some business events solely focused on networking tend to be lame in terms of making solid work contacts, but these places always attract upscale, (mostly) single professionals. Some of our favorite events have been with these groups:

• https://ivyplussociety.com/ For Ivy-League (ish) professionals. Always a good mix of people; late 20s to late 40s.
• https://stageandtable.com A couple of our clients recommended Stage + Table. I loved it. If you enjoy food and wine, this is a welcoming group (there were more men than women when I attended) to meet at a very relaxed venue.
• http://labusinessjournal.com/bizevents/ - LA Business Journal has great events and speakers. Excellent for meeting upscale professionals of all ages.
• http://events.kcrw.com/events/category/kcrw-presents/ - Eclectic events for eclectic people.
• https://hammer.ucla.edu/programs-events/ - Some of our male clients plan their first dates at these cool events!
• http://guestofaguest.com/los-angeles - If you like ‘higher-end’, trendy happenings, get on this list.
• https://www.thesupperclubinc.com/ The Supper Club is an old-school social network of talented, successful professionals (mid-30s-50s) who meet every month at hip, elegant venues.

2. Athletic leagues. Our clients swear by these. Did you know they have adult kickball leagues? This is a great way to stay in shape and meet others who want to have fun and meet other active-minded people. Volleyball clubs are very social. Hiking clubs tend to attract more women. Running/biking clubs attract more men. Explore! https://www.urbansportsla.com/; https://www.kickball.com/la
3. Faith-based communities. Most people we meet are ‘more spiritual than religious’ so exploring ‘light-religion’ and spiritually-minded communities seems logical. Agape, a spiritual center and community is very welcoming and attracts a lot of single professionals. https://agapelive.com/

4. Curated experiences. Fill your own cup first with cool experiences to add to your repertoire and make your life more interesting. Say YES to all invitations! EvenFaceBook Events. Check out Airbnb Experiences and explore something new with other curious locals. Or create your own experience. Start a club or throw a cocktail party and encourage your friends to invite their friends.
5. Grocery stores after work. These places are teeming with singles from 6-8pm. We have met many eligible bachelors at Whole Foods on Lincoln J. Mondays nights are the best. Turn your green light ON and smile. Small talk is easy when it comes to food.

(Honorable mentions:  Alumni Clubs, higher education classes, salsa/swing dancing classes, volunteering (LA Works is our favorite), Travel clubs and of course, dog parks).

The most important aspect of putting yourself out there and engaging with the world is…just that. If you do these things for the sole purpose of trying to meet someone, you may be missing your opportunity. Taking a step out of your comfort zone to connect with other like-minded people is the first step towards finding your ‘One’.

Out with the Old! Seven Dating Patterns to Leave Behind in '17

 As you invite in a new year full of possibilities, hope and romance, make sure to leave these negative dating patterns in the dust:

1. . Focusing on what’s not working. What you focus on tends to show up in your life. If you keep thinking about your disappointment, struggle and the things that aren’t working for you, you will see more of that. If you keep focused on doing work you love, spending time with people you love, and engaging in activities you love, you will be in a much better place to invite romance into your life.

2. “Knowing” in the first five minutes. One of the worst assumptions in dating is thinking that you know everything you need to know right away about the person. First dates are really just “meet-and-greets” where two people are breaking the ice, getting familiar with each other and trying to understand if there’s a connection. Suspend judgment and aim for a second date where much more will be revealed.
3. Comparing your RL to everybody’s SML. Real Life and Social Media Life are two different realities. The latter is the superficial highlights-only reel that tends to leave you feeling empty and envious. Take a break from it and see how the quality of your life improves as you stay more grounded and centered in your own life. If you have to document it, how much are you fully experiencing it?
4. 4. The need to be in control. Nobody is ever in control of anything. You cannot change the way things happen or how people behave; you can only change your reaction to them. The quality of your dating life will improve vastly when you let go of how things should be and just let them be how they are.
5. Making Assumptions. Don’t. Until you have enough facts and consistent experience with someone, you’re in no position to make any assumptions about them. Just remember that people were leading busy lives before you met them…So if she doesn’t answer your text within 10 minutes, it does not mean she’s not interested. And, if he reaches out to you within 2-3 days after your first date, he really likes you.
6. 6. Judging everyone against rigid expectations. It’s normal to go on a first date wanting the person to align with your expectations of what your ideal partnershould look like. But the irony is that our "ideal" criteria tend to limit our perspective and keep us from actually being open to the people who are right in front of us. Sometimes subtle qualities like a kind heart, good listening skills, emotional availability or integrity can be overlooked but these are qualities that can nurture a long-term relationship.
7. Caring about what your dating life looks like to others. Being overly concerned about dating the right people (who look good on paper, on your arm, on your IG) is about placing your ego above your emotions. YOU are the one who needs to feel happy, safe, fulfilled and adored in your relationship so make sure you are following your heart when you choose your partner or you will pay a steep price

Top 4 Dating Destroyers

The Ultimate Dating Destroyer

The #1 thing that’s killing dating today is quick judgment.

It’s normal and smart to be discerning but too much harsh, nitpicky judgment right away will severely limit your opportunities to meet and date a great person. Here are four qualities that reveal you may be a trigger-happy dater:

1. You’re a One-Date Wonder. If you rarely make it to a second date, this is a huge indicator that you could be way too judgmental. Think about it. There’s alwayssomething that comes up for you. His hands, her energy, an off-handed comment, their clothing, the length of time it took to answer your text. Could the problem be you? Are your expectations too high? Are you trying to play it safe? You owe it to yourself to ask these questions.
2. You’re super rigid. When you make a decision about someone, you believe it wholeheartedly and no one can change your mind. Unless someone greatly insults you or your deepest beliefs, first dates should be where you simply collect information about the other person, stay open-minded and give them --and you-- a chance to experience each other in a different light on date #2.
3. You always say “I can tell within seconds if there’s something there”. If you’re constantly shutting people down within seconds of meeting them (because you just ‘know’), you are in great danger of missing out on someone amazing (and being single for a very long time). We have tons of success stories that began with neutral first dates. Our favorites: “He seems too perfect; I’m assuming he’s gay” (um, no!) or “We had an amazing first date but I just don’t feel the chemistry” (until he kissed you, you mean) or “He’s a great catch and I can totally see why you introduced him to me but I just…can’t put my finger on it” (we did; he was emotionally available and interested in you and that scared you).
4. You can’t help it, you always find the flaws. From the way they laugh to the way they dress or the way they walk, you can’t stop finding (and obsessing over) the flaws. What we see depends mainly on what we look for. Note: Looking for perfection will leave you single forever.

Consider adhering to a three date-rule before you rule someone out because you could be letting go of a wonderful person simply because you caught them on a bad day. Three dates will give you a clear enough vision to feel if there’s enough intrigue or potential to continue seeing the person. Also, one of the best ways to stop being too judgmental is cultivating a natural sense of curiosity about the world and the people around you.

It’s also a very attractive and intelligent trait that makes you irresistible in dating.

4 Quick Tips on How to Stay Real on a First Date.

Last night I met a potential new client. She was very new to dating, bubbly and high strung. I take care to make people feel comfortable right away so that they can be their most authentic self with me. It didn’t work this time. The woman was almost tripping over herself to impress me. I could tell that she was nervous and really wanted her to relax so I reiterated that I was not there to judge her, just listen and inspire her. She was still a tidal wave of bubbles, bells and whistles. Finally ten minutes before it was time to go (at the hour mark) she settled into herself.

I couldn’t help but wonder if she were like this on a first date, would she make it to a second one?

Authenticity means you allow yourself to “be who you are”; that you don’t try to impress or present yourself as someone you are not, which is exhausting to do and to behold.

Being real is the only way to foster a true connection with someone.

Here are a few tips to help you stay real on a first date:

1. Mentally prepare. Think about what you’d like to share about yourself ahead of time. What’s interesting about your life these days? Any cool trips you’ve been on? Books/films you’ve experienced? Funny stories? Being mentally prepared means you do not have to grasp at things to talk about which will put you at ease. It also means you decide on which topics you’d like to steer clear of.

2. Location counts. Choose a comfortable, even familiar setting where you feel at ease. The more relaxed you feel, the more relaxed your date will feel. Dinner seems a bit much for most; a drink is ideal. Or a Saturday afternoon tea or hike.  Just choose what makes you feel the most confident. Think low key. First dates should be brief and light. Everyone should leave wanting more.

3. Just Listen.  The easiest way to be authentic and present is to get out of your head and pay full attention to your date. Everybody has a story so ask good questions. Shifting your focus onto them will take the pressure off of you and allow you to soften into a curious, interested role.

4. Create a touchstone reminder. Whether you need to remember to be present, be feminine, ask more questions or not overshare, sometimes it’s helpful to have a concrete reminder. One of our clients bought herself a pretty ring that she wears on dates to remind herself to be more feminine; a male client wears a red string bracelet to remind himself to lead more. Do whatever it takes to keep yourself grounded and centered in who you are. Because you are enough.

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Dating online. You never know who’s real, right or worth your time.

The less control you have, the more control you need.

Having an idea of what you’re looking for in a partner is essential but holding on too tightly to that idea can be self-sabotaging.

Often we’ll sit down with new clients who give us their wish list of what they want in a partner. Women tend to focus on height, money, confidence and sense of humor while men focus on looks, age and key personality traits like ‘easygoing’ and ‘laughs easily’.

Usually, the list is pretty long and specific. It always starts with “He should have…” or “She needs to be…” and they go on to explain all of the things they want in their partner.

But is what you want always what you need?

A great question we ask our clients who are a little caught up in their list is this:

What are the five qualities you want in the mother / father of your children?

Suddenly, this brings it all home.  

Qualities like kindness, stability, loyalty and compassion start to emerge while superfluous traits start falling to the wayside. It doesn’t seem as important that she has to have skinny ankles or fit into a certain age range. Or that he’s 6’2 with a full head of hair… If you want to create a happy home with someone, they need to be a trustworthy and good person.

Looking at your partner through this lens will help you quickly sift through the Real Deals vs. the Fun-For-Now’s.

The Fun-For-Now’s are exciting when they’re with you but they’re never consistently available and they leave you feeling just a bit insecure.  It’s impossible to plan or build a future with them. But the Real Deals make you feel safe. They come over when your dog dies instead of texting you “Hey! Sorry about your dog”.  They remember what you said two dates ago and book tickets to that one-woman show you’ve been dying to see. They show up for you. Over and over again.

And if you’re not sure about having a family, just ask yourself what kind of relationshipyou want to have.

Is it warm, supportive and stable or exciting, adventurous and spontaneous? Or both? Get to know yourself better so you can understand what makes you tick, thrive and feel safe.  Pay attention to the person’s character and how they treat you.  Someone who shows up for you is way more important than a few extra hair follicles or a couple of inches.  Being with someone you trust that will always be there for you during life’s ups and downs is priceless.

Six Simple Dating Tips to Call in 'The One' This Fall

Fall has always been my favorite time of year with September being my lucky month when I met (and also married) my husband.  Promising new romances tend to bloom after summer flings die. People seem more energized and focused to find their One this time of year. Here are six effective ways you can attract the right person into your life now:

1. Get rid of the pressure. It’s so important to keep dating in perspective. When you go out on a first date, tell yourself you’re simply meeting someone new to see if you share anything in common or if you find them interesting enough to see again. It’s an hour of your life so you might as well get the most out of it and have fun. No connection? No problem. Next!
2. Stay visible. Change your routine, change your outcome. Don’t just Say Yes to everything; add something new and interesting to your life. Take a class, volunteer, create a social meet up group, organize monthly happy hours, or join a committee or sports team. Just do it for fun, not to tick something off your list. The spirit in which we do things is reflected in the quality of our experience.
3. Always put it out there. Turn your green light ON during every occasion.  You never know when or where you will meet someone who interests you so don’t regret looking shabby over chic. Be prepared so that you will feel more confident when you  MAKE EYE CONTACT, SMILE and ENGAGE with people. The only reason we’re in this life is to connect with others and be connected.
4. Fill your own cup first. Learn to be happy BEFORE you are in a relationship, rather than look for a relationship to make you happy. The moment you accept, value and love yourself, you start defining your own worth, instead of waiting for someone else to assign it to you. The kind of energy you project has everything to do with the kind of person you attract.
5. Refresh your online profile. If you’re not attracting the type of people that rock your world, take another look at your profile. Most people make the mistake of trying to appeal to the masses. Don’t. You’re not looking for just anyone, are you? Describe who you are and what you’re looking for boldly, specifically and uniquely. Only post 2-3 of your best pictures, maximum.
6. Do. Not. Play. Games. Ever. Let go of your ego and be direct and vulnerable. It’s the ONLY way to a) set yourself apart from the masses of insecure people b) attract like-minded people who value authenticity and are serious about being in a relationship and c) save valuable time. Those who are ‘in it to win it’ have no time for games.

5 Dating Mistakes Men and Women Make

The Biggest Mistake in Dating 

(Make Sure You’re Not Doing It!)

We recently met with a gentleman who had worked with four matchmakers and met over 100 women in one year. Not random women; quality, vetted women who fit his criteria. But according to him, ‘nobody really excited’ him. He was highly accomplished and felt like he did not have to do much to attract a woman. He thought his resume’ and bank account could do all the talking and he would just wait to be blown away. Out of 100 women, only 11 were willing to go on a second date with him. Sadly, he’s wasted a lot of time and resources because he wasn’t willing to be honest with himself.

The misalignment between expectation and reality is the #1 problem in dating today.

Here’s how to know if you need a reality check:

• You keep going after the same type with the same disappointing results: ‘I can’t help it; I always go for (insert type)’.  Actually, you can help it. History will keep repeating itself until you learn the lesson. So stop hoping that this time will be different. Instead, try going out with someone who’s not your type but still intrigues you a little. It will be refreshing and you may be happily surprised...

• Your relationships never last longer than 3 months.  Either you’re not choosing wisely, it’s always too much, too soon or someone is getting bored. It’s very telling if you’ve reached a certain age and have not had a significant relationship that’s lasted a year or longer. Usually, by the three-month mark, most true colors come out. There are people who are in love with love or the honeymoon stage of a relationship but the only way to understand if a relationship has what it takes is through time, honesty, vulnerability and a willingness to compromise.

• You often say things like ‘There are no good men in LA’ or ‘All LA women are superficial’ or ‘All the good ones are taken’. None of which is true. It may make you feel better to say or think those things but you’re simply perpetuating those beliefs and you will, in fact, find evidence of exactly what you’re stating. What you dwell on determines your destiny. Instead, look for the good in people and you will find it.

• It’s always their fault, never yours.  If you keep finding yourself in the same predicament over and over, you need to start looking at yourself. YOU are the common denominator which means YOU need to change something. If you’re ready for a game-changer, read about adult attachment styles and how they can affect your relationship. (Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help You Find and Keep Love by Amir Levine is a great place to start). Your dating life will never be the same.

• You rarely get second dates. This is a huge sign that you may not be aware of how you’re coming across. Enlist your friends’ help or an expert to determine how you can improve your first impression (conversational skills, appearance, communication style, etc.). Just a tiny shift in your approach can make all the difference.

Cut through the BS and Start Dating like this!

Dating is exhausting for most people. The high hopes, disappointments, effort, ‘rules’, white lies and currency (physical and emotional) it requires can be draining. But please don’t give up on yourself. Sometimes a simple shift in your perspective and approach will make all the difference.

 If you want to cut through the bull**** and have a more refreshing dating experience, do this:

Be transparent. The more clear you are about who you are and what you value, the more clarity you will get back in your personal experiences. Always. Being honest from the start will pave way for a more authentic relationship. Transparency breeds trust, the foundation of every relationship. You will immediately weed out the amateurs or players and take dating to a new level.

Be cool.  Being easygoing and flexible is very attractive. The first few dates should continue to be light, fun and intriguing with a few more layers being revealed each time. We had a couple who hit it off on their first date but nearly ended it on their second. The woman had high expectations in terms of the quality of the date. She wanted to be picked up, expected the restaurant and film to be pre-selected and well thought out. The gentleman, however, was feeling spontaneous; he happily picked her up but thought it would be fun to decide on things together and see where the evening took them.  She interpreted his not being prepared as not caring or being invested. He interpreted her expectations (and ribbing) as high maintenance and thought a second date should just be about getting to know each other better. Both were right; both lost in the end. He did not want a third date with her.

Don’t play games. If you want a grown up relationship, stop playing games. Buck the rules. Make your own. If you like her, ask her out right away. If you like him, don’t wait to text him back. The more adept you are at ‘being real’, the quicker your relationship will take off. And don’t listen to the peanut gallery around you. Even though your friends seem to ‘have your back’ they are all bringing their own experiences (some negative) to the table when giving you advice. Follow your heart. Only YOU know what you’re truly feeling when you’re with your person. Trust that.

Be kind. Remember that people are doing the best they can. You do not know what kind of day, month or year someone is having. So don’t be quick to judge; be quick to show kindness. This should be the #1 quality you look for in a mate. Sharing your life with a kind person is like winning the lottery every day.

Six Simple Ways to be Confident on a First Date

Do you feel anxious, awkward or exhausted when you think about going on a first date?

Here are six tried-and-true tips to have confidence on your date and get through it with ease, fun and grace:

1. Make it your mission to have fun no matter what. This should be your #1 goal. Levity and laughter are irresistibly attractive. Hopefully, you’ve done a little recon on the front end to know if there’s enough of an initial connection with the person you’re about to meet so you’re more relaxed and positive.

2.  Be Prepared. Have a handful of interesting questions ready. The best ones are those that give insight into someone’s personality. Try these:  http://www.vanityfair.com/magazine/2000/01/proust-questionnaire and be prepared to answer them as well. And it never fails to ask them to talk about something they love.

3.  Tell yourself that you’re just meeting your best friend’s brother/sister who are visiting LA for the first time. Low expectations and zero romantic pressure create an authentic level of connection and playfulness. Lower the stakes.  Actually, there are NO stakes – you are just showing up, being friendly and there to have a good time. (Our clients swear by this method!).

4.  Don’t make it a first date.  Choose an experience or situation where you feel the most confident or relaxed. The key is to roll your date into a plan you were going to do anyway so that it feels more organic and less pressure-filled. For example, instead of meeting for drinks or dinner, bring your date to the art opening you need to attend. Invite him/her to ride bikes on the beach with you. The purpose of a first date is not to see if you can check all the boxes; it’s to check how youfeel in the presence of the person.

5. Stop caring so much about what your date thinks of you. Everyone wants to make a good first impression but if you’re paralyzed by the fear of how you’re coming across, you’re essentially conveying this message “I am seeking your approval. I don’t already know that I’m a great catch so I need you to validate that I’m worthy of you” Total turn-off.

The best way to shift that mindset is to start asking yourself “I wonder if this person has what it takes to make me happy?”

6.  Make plans for immediately after the date. This sets a time limit and less pressure on you if things aren’t going so well.  It’s easier to go on a date knowing that no matter what, at x’ o clock, you have to leave and go do something else. (If the date’s going really well, even better; leave them wanting more and you’ll have a lot to look forward to on the next date).

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To Have a Great First Date, Do THIS and THIS

Dating doesn’t have to be an arduous chore. Having to ‘turn it on’ for a stranger for the hundredth time and tempering hopeful expectations can run its toll on a person.

It’s exhausting, energetically consuming and often disappointing.

Imagine if each time you met someone new, it turned into a cool adventure.

Here are two things you can do on a first date to ensure that you have a meaningful experience and a fun time no matter what: 

First, think outside of the box when you plan your first date.

Instead of playing it safe with perfunctory ‘drinks’,  why not think about doing something that you genuinely like to do – something that you would do for yourself anyway on the weekend or even on a week night? Dying to see the Cindy Sherman exhibit at the Broad? Invite him to go.

Do you always get a hike in on the weekends? Make that your first date. Dreaming of going paddle boarding in the Marina with someone? Do it. Does a bike ride relax you? Suggest that for a first date. By planning an activity that you love or something that you’ve been meaning to explore, you are not only showing your date that you’re creative and thoughtful but you’re essentially ‘folding’ them into the rhythm of your life which makes you look more interesting AND if things don’t click with your date, you’ve still managed to do something you were planning on doing anyway. Less pressure, more fun. Win-Win! 

Second, let go and let your genuine side show.

It’s normal to have your guard up when you meet someone new for the first time. Everybody wears armor in the dating world. But if you want to have a more appealing experience, choose real over superficial.  Feeling nervous? Say so.  Do you take time to warm up? Admit it. Are you bad at first dates? Confess!  Own your story upfront so you can create room for more authentic sharing.  Being honest and real is disarming. Ask your date interesting questions that reveal their character (instead of straight up interview questions) like….What’s your most treasured memory? What’s your biggest accomplishment so far? What surprising quality do you possess?  What do you value most in life? Or ask them to sum up their life on a bumper sticker. Keep it entertaining, creative and sincere.

Vow to connect on a deeper level with your dates and notice the quality of your experience become more fulfilling every time.

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Four Things You Can Do To Have an Edge in Dating Now

It starts with Go. The.  Extra.  Mile.  Here are four simple truths in dating that will immediately change your experience for the better:

1.  Looks matter. If you’re the type of person who says ‘this is me, take it or leave it’, we’re talking directly to you. That’s just lazy and rigid. Just because your friends are sporting a certain look (long hair / beards / love handles / oversized shirts) doesn’t mean it looks good on you. Change it up once in awhile (now). There’s always room for improvement. As shallow as it seems, you are being judged. There’s fierce competition out there so bring you’re ‘A’ game so that YOU feel more confident, which is the best look anyway.

2.  Being prepared is half the victory. We keep meeting singles who are completely unprepared for dating. They’re not sure what they want in a partner, or they’re unaware of the ‘rules’ of dating or how to be interesting on a date or show that they’re interested, etc... Think about what you’d like someone to know about you (what are five things / experiences that define who you are?) and figure out how you’re coming across (Needy or confident? Aloof or warm? Professional or relaxed?) and modify your behavior, if needed.  Have some great questions to ask. Being a good conversationalist is so attractive.

3.  Manage your mind, manage your love life. A lot of singles have the wrong mindset when it comes to dating. There are lazy daters, bitter daters, non-daters, needy daters, over-the-top-daters, etc…Most people just want to get it over with, few actually enjoy the process. The definition of adventure is ‘participation in exciting undertakings or enterprises’.  Approach your dates with a spirit of adventure and you will shift the energy immediately. Temper your expectations and vow to have a good time and find a point of connection with your date.  We tend to find what we look for; so look for the good.

4. Live an interesting life. Most people cannot answer the question:  “what’s interesting about your life?” Working hard at your career and making money does not make an interesting life. One or two trips a year doesn’t cut it either. The small choices you make in your daily life determine the overall quality of your life. You can tell immediately who has fun, passion and play in their life and who doesn’t.  Learning new perspectives, saying yes to new experiences, connecting with more people, asking questions and keeping your eyes, ears and heart open paves the way for a more interesting life. How can you build more meaning in your life?

Top 8 Reasons Why You’re Not Getting A Second Date

Dating is tricky. You show up, try to connect, share a little and say goodbye. Then what?!

You just spent two hours with a stranger and have no idea what will happen next. If you want to tilt the odds in your favor and get a second date, avoid these eight common mistakes:

1.  You talk too much and don’t ask questions. Successful men are often accused of doing this. If you’re talking the entire time, there’s no room to build a connection. The point of a date is to exchange information and share. Show your interest by asking questions. Even if you’re neutral about your date, it’s still an essential conversational skill to have and you may be surprised by what you learn from the other person.

2.  You come across as awkward and uncomfortable. If you’re not great at first dates, practice the art of conversation with close friends first.  And be honest. It’s very disarming (and charming) when someone starts a date with “Bear with me, I’m horrible at this” or “Give me a few minutes to find my mojo.” A sense of humor goes a long way.

3. You’re not fun. Ouch! Well, are you? Fun means you laugh easily; you’re light-hearted and don’t take things so seriously.  It means you’re engaging and have interesting stories. You’re flexible, spontaneous and playful. Fun is sexy.

4.  There’s too much, too soon. First dates should last 1-2 hours max. You should leave when the energy is high. People feel like they have to know everything about the other person all at once.  What’s the beauty in that? Build a little anticipation of what’s to come.

5.  You come across as rude or high maintenance. People forget that they’re complete strangers when they’re on a date and that they’re being observed in a hundred different ways.  How you treat other people around you is quite significant and telling, including the hostess/ waiter/ bartender/valet. Even how you order your food is being noted. Men always comment on these things.

6.  There’s no real connection. Having no chemistry means that you’re just not attracted to the person; but having no connection could simply mean that you didn’t ask the right questions.  Tapping into somebody’s emotional center breeds a certain closeness. Starting with just-the-facts is fine but you should gradually pose a few interesting questions that will reveal more about your date, like “What do you like most about yourself?”  Or “Name three things you can’t live without” or “What’s your idea of a perfect day?”

7.  You try too hard and it shows. If you’re constantly asking yourself “Does he/she like me?” your date will be over before it even began. This need for validation is a huge turn-off.  Try to focus your intention ONLY on enjoying yourself, enjoying your date and having a fun time.

8. You have no idea how to close. (For men) The date is about to end, you get nervous and act like a goober. Take the lead and let her know that you’re interested in her. If you want to take the pressure off to make something happen at the end, try to let her know during the date (when you have good momentum) that you’re enjoying her and “we should do this again…”  Or end with “I had a great time and would love to see you again. Could I call you this week to set something up?” Then do it.