OVER-thinking is ruining your love life.

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As a matchmaker, I can easily say that over-analytical behavior is hands down the number one crime in dating. There’s no place for cerebral decision-making in matters of the heart.

While it’s normal to process a ton of information when we first meet someone – how they look, move, express themselves verbally and non-verbally – getting trapped in over-analytical mode will damage your chances of finding love.

People who do this are not focusing on what is really being said, rather they focus on what they think is behind the words. When you do that, you are not actually (actively) listening. The danger is that you sometimes come up with your own version of things instead of what actually occurred in the conversation.
Those who over think things fail to be in the moment; they’re constantly thinking about what they’re going to say next instead of enjoying what’s happening in front of them. Or they’re analyzing what someone just said instead of taking it at face value. Others are not great at small talk so they’re stuck in their heads grasping at topics to bring up instead of hearing what’s being said right now. No wonder dating has become so stressful!

Here are three ways to stop overanalyzing on your dates.

1. Read between the lines just don’t let it dominate a conversation. There are plenty of people who have been burned in dating and approach it with a “guilty until proven innocent” mantra. They’ve trained themselves to look for the bad. While it’s normal and smart to use our instincts when we first meet someone, we don’t need to constantly second guess what someone is saying. Give them the benefit of the doubt. Listen less to what people say and watch more what they actually do. That will always reveal their true nature.
2. Be prepared with topics ahead of time. For those who dislike small talk, prepare a few topics / questions that you’d like to talk about such as current events, a controversial topic, something interesting you’d like for your date to know about you or a unique question. The key is to fill your pockets with possibilities so you can pull one out easily instead of hide in your head and miss the whole nuance of a conversation.
3. Stop psychoanalyzing people. It’s so disheartening when we hear this kind of feedback from our clients: “He said his mother was a challenge so he must not have the tools to have a healthy relationship with women” or “She said she wants a family but I’m not ready to jump into a relationship and have kids right away”. Why are people jumping to conclusions and sabotaging potential relationships? Who are you to judge and close the door on a potential relationship based on something someone you barely know said? On a first date? Stop making assumptions. It’s not only unfair, it’s narrow-minded and a sure fire way to stay single.
People will show you who they are. Just give it time.

Is the Online You the same as the Offline You?

 

Recently I sat down with a potential client. Let’s call him Joe. He walked towards me with confidence and warmth. I was immediately smitten. I tend to “fall in love” with my clients. Joe was in his early 50’s, “good-looking enough”, wildly successful in the medical field and charismatic. He spent the majority of time talking about his journey into self-discovery, studying eastern religions and how important it was to give back. He wanted to meet someone who was like-minded and self-aware with a degree of warmth and authenticity.

I was so excited. I have tons of women like this. Of course I knew that she had to be attractive, too. Men are highly visual so I always assume they’re looking for someone attractive even though beauty is in the eye of the beholder. Joe left me with such a great feeling that I couldn’t wait to start working with him. Then something changed. As we got one step closer to matchmaking, he became very selective with what the girls should look like. The “very attractive, cool women” he said he was looking for turned into “someone with super model looks”. He sent me a few visual references of his super model “girlfriends”. This really threw me off. I started checking out his ‘online presence’ and was baffled to see pictures of Party Boy Joe surrounded by a bevy of models. Every. Single.Picture. That’s when I realized the online Joe was totally incongruent with the offline Joe. How was this down to earth, authentic, quasi-Buddhist man (who was a bit out of shape) turning into a demanding “super-models-only-please” type? It disturbed me enough to start my own empirical study. I checked out all of our clients’ online presence and found that 20% of them had incongruent impressions of who they really are. It bothered me that people feel the need to portray themselves in a fictitious manner. It wouldn’t be a big deal if the internet wasn’t such a dominant source of information from which we cull all of our information.
If I had Googled Joe before we met, I’m not sure I would have been so open and inclined to work with him because he portrayed an image that was the complete antithesis of a man looking for his wife. What’s more, if the type of woman he originally claimed he was seeking saw the ‘online Joe’, I’m willing to bet she would have had trepidations in meeting him.

Be careful. What you put online is permanent. People quickly judge what they see. Make sure the online you is in harmony with the offline you. The ‘cover of your book’ should reflect the real you because it may be the only first impression people allow you to make.

What's so interesting about YOUR life...?

In our business, we meet all kinds of upscale professional singles who are looking for love. When a new clients says “I love my life. I’ve designed the life I want. I’m surrounded by great people and do interesting things. I don’t need a man / woman to make me happy; I’m just looking for someone to enhance my life” we get really excited to work with them because they’re dream clients. They have lives that they enjoy and are serene and busy doing interesting, cool things. This makes them super attractive. Sure they’d like to meet the right person but they’re still having fun along the way. They got it right.

Too many people get it wrong. We meet a lot of people who expect their lives to blossom and flourish the moment they meet the right person. But that’s backwards, isn’t it? These people have good careers and are attractive enough but they don’t do much with their lives. When we talk about what they like to do on the weekends, they come up short. When asked what they do for fun, they stare blankly. Would you date yourself based on the lifestyle you’ve created? Granted, some careers are highly demanding where there’s little time for much else … but even that is a choice.


We refer to our services as “the dolce vita of dating” because ‘the sweet life’ needs to be balanced with the ‘work life’ especially in this culture. Your career should not be the only interest you have in life. Whenever I ask what people like to do, they’ll say things like “I used to play tennis a lot” or “I love going to art openings but I don’t do that kind of stuff alone” or they’ll name something they do once a year. The quality of our lives is determined by the small everyday things with which we fill it. You can really tell who a person is by what they choose to do on the weekends. Being on your computer or glued to the TV does not render an interesting life, let alone increase your chances of meeting somebody. You become interesting when you are an active participant of life.
Think about it. Are you more attracted to the person who leads an interesting, well-rounded life or the one who just catches up on their errands and likes to stay home and watch movies? There’s nothing wrong with the latter when you’re already in a relationship. But when you’re single and trying to put your best foot forward, you really need to explore who you are and cultivate the things that matter to you. Or spend time with your really interesting friends since the people with whom you associate often determine the type of person you become.
If you want to meet an interesting person, you need to be an interesting person.

   

Embrace the Slow Sizzle...

The part of our job that I dislike the most is when I have to deliver the news to a client that their match didn’t feel any chemistry on the date. It’s always a little tough when the feeling is not mutual. Such are the rules of dating. You have to be “in it to win it” and part of the game is putting yourself out there and seeing what comes back.

But with the proliferation of online daters it seems that singles have less patience and higher expectations of finding “crazy chemistry” in an hour and a half date.
That spark is essential but also elusive. I’m just not sure if it’s entirely black and white. A magical connection can fall somewhere in the gray zone where it slowly peeks its head out while steadily piquing one’s interest. It just may take a little longer. We’ve seen it happen.


We rarely get the full picture picture of the stranger sitting in front of us which is why we highly encourage our clients to go on a second date even if there’s a minimal amount of intrigue (and I’m talking only 25%) because we’ve seen things go from 25% to 125% in two or three dates. The key seems to be seeing the person in a different light. Especially if you’re “on the fence” about someone.
We have a client who has a tendency to come across as a bit formal and corporate which rarely breeds flirting on a first date. Her dates often remarked that she seemed more of a CEO than a lady. She has a fun, feminine side. It was just hard to see on a first date. Since she loved the outdoors and being active and adventurous, we suggested a hike for her first date with a new gentleman. This set the tone of her being spontaneous, low maintenance and courageous (not too many women like to sweat on a first date). It turned out to be a successful date because the gentleman only experienced a natural, sexy beauty that was comfortable in her own skin instead of a high-level executive
So if you’re unsure about someone after a first date, plan an activity for the second. Go to an art opening. Or hike. Or the zoo. Or sporting event. Or play tennis. Or cook together. Or walk your dogs to the park. Meet at the beach at sunset. Taste wine. Ride horses. Just. Do. Something. Different . You may be surprised by what you see in the other person that you didn’t see the first time. People are more relaxed when they’re focusing on an activity instead of being in their head.
Stop waiting for the 4th of July to happen because the slow, soft burn often lasts longer…

Are you "Better on Paper" ?

These days we are navigating so many worlds in dating. There’s the virtual world, the tech world, the Facebook world and the real world. With so much emphasis on technology, people get so caught up in making a grand appearance. Too bad it doesn’t always match who they are in the real world.

The latest and greatest in social media allows anyone to be ‘Someone’. The socially inept guy is suddenly a Lothario through his well-crafted words, the straight-laced computer geek becomes super hip through his hi-tech graphic skills, the ugly duckling becomes a swan after uploading an amazing picture that took her 82 tries to get the right angle that hid her imperfections or the highly accomplished gentleman who proudly lists his Ivy-league education and impressive income but has no clue how to make a woman laugh. In one respect, technology has made it easier for singles that are somehow “challenged” in the dating world. Hiding behind technology is a sport these days. Unfortunately, it can become “Game Over” when we step out into the real world. Which is why the art of connection is still and will always be the most important “tool” in dating. So it’s essential to address those things that stand in your way of meeting your potential mate. If you’re posting pictures from more than 5 years ago because you want to appeal to a younger age range, chances are you are fishing in an inappropriate age range to begin with. Think it’s clever to send a picture of you from 20 pounds ago? Surely they won’t notice when you meet them in person! Is your online picture strategically shot where it covers up your bald head? Don’t think she’ll notice when you take off that baseball cap, huh? Are your social skills an “8” online and a”2” off line?
Come on, people. There are two options here: accept or change. Accept who you are – imperfections and all -- and OWN IT which means you will not hide your less-than-perfect “bits”. Besides, the person who falls in love with you will love all of you and that’s who you want to meet.
Or change. If you’re ashamed of the extra weight, do something about it. The dating pool becomes exponentially larger as you become smaller (aka more fit). If you’re unsure about how to approach / connect with singles, hire a dating coach or join a few groups.
Step out of your comfort zone and into the real world. It’s a much more rewarding place to be and feel.

Are you an "Oversharer" ?

One of the main reasons that we decided to go into the dating / matchmaking field was that we wanted to help singles be better prepared for dating. Emotionally prepared, conversationally prepared and behaviorally prepared. People rarely considered what kind of impression they wanted to make or how they wanted to lead. Have you thought about things you want your date to know about you…….or not know about you right away?

In our business, we’ve come across a lot of “open books” – people who have few filters and are compelled to share everything including the unsavory. Often they do this without realizing the effect of their full disclosure. They get comfortable with the other person and decide to reveal their deepest and darkest….on a first date! Sure, it makes them feel good for getting something off their chest but now they’re left with a date who smiles politely and supportively and then calls their matchmaker (or friend) the next day saying how shocked and turned off they were by something he / she said. Retaining a little mystery goes a long way.

Remember: the person sitting across from you is a stranger. Somebody who is still deciding if they like you or want to see you again. There is plenty of time to tell them about your horrible divorce or sad financial situation or that you’re over 40 and still have a roommate or that those aren’t your real teeth / hair / boobs or that you smoke pot every day or that you’re a recovering addict or that you haven’t had sex in almost 5 years, etc... NONE of these things are wrong or “bad” but all of them have one thing in common: inappropriate timing. It’s very important to differentiate yourself from the masses with your positive attributes, rather than ones that can potentially alienate you from the other person or encourage them to draw premature and inaccurate conclusions. There will be plenty of time to air your dirty laundry once there’s an established foundation within your relationship. And no, it’s not being sneaky withholding certain things initially as long as they’re just details and do not represent who you really are as a whole. The first few dates are meant to reveal if there’s a connection so lead with all of your assets and leave the liabilities for a rainy day. When both parties are “in it to win it”, there’s a better chance for them to stick around for glitches that inevitably arise.

   

The Key to finding The One: Figure out what MOVES you.

Feel. Share. Love.

Recently I was having lunch with a gorgeous single friend of mine. He’s a successful guy in his 40’s, tall, attractive, never-been-married, charming, a catch. He expressed his dismay with the quality of women whom he’s been “dating” which baffled me. Wait! Look at you. How are you not attracting what you’re looking for? I thought. He went on to regale me with stories of superficial women who were unable to keep up with his wit or intelligence. I found that hard to believe. While his stories were amusing, they lacked a pattern. Usually I’m able to immediately understand what someone’s “pattern” is. People are very open about their tendency to attract certain types; the emotionally unavailable type (aka players / narcissists), the unstable ones or the way-too-busy kind, etc...but he did not seem to have a pattern. His dates were all across the board. I soon found out why.

“Well what exactly are you looking for?” I asked. “I’m not sure” he replied. Uh…what?! He explained that he didn’t want to get too specific with what he was looking for (because he wasn’t sure) but at the same time he was exhausted with dating and could not wait to settle down. I was surprised that he did not give it more thought. “Besides chemistry and attraction, what else is important to you? What qualities are fundamental to your well being? What qualities would repel you?” I prodded. He was hemming and hawing and could not really give me a solid answer. No wonder he was exhausted. He was dating women who looked good at the time but who did not have sustainable qualities. The one question that I asked that seemed to bring it all together for him was this: What do you want your life to look like in the next 40 years? A complex, yet simple question that is very revealing. I’m not talking about goals; I want to know how you want to feel when you think about your future. Is your house full of kids or none or just one? Do you feel more music, chaos or serenity in your home? Do you want to feel alive with a lot of traveling? Or living abroad. Or maybe you envision a simple lifestyle with sunsets and books. Perhaps you feel yourself living a life with more adventure and risk taking. Whatever lifestyle you desire, choose someone who will appreciate the same quality of life. Being with someone who shares your love for the simple things in life – the everyday stuff that makes up and matters in your life – is gold. It’s not about sharing the same hobbies or even passions; rather it’s about being able to create extraordinary moments out of ordinary ones with a partner who appreciates the same nuance in life. So find someone whose heart sings to the same groove as yours and you will be making beautiful music together for a long time.