Musings from the Motherland where sexy got its name

Spending a part of the summer on the Adriatic coast in Italy does wonders for the soul..and little for the ego. These people are GOR-geous! Naturally so. Italians flock to the seaside with reckless abandon. Here, everyone is the same. Sunbathing is a sport with fit legs splayed open, thongs galore and bare breasts and tiny Speedos on display; it’s a caramel smorgasbord of super soft porn. And there’s more.

Italians are keenly aware of their sexuality. It’s quite evident that women enjoy being female and men relish their testosterone-laden masculinity. Nobody is afraid of showing their appreciation for what (whom) they like. Sensuality is the universal language. I have never seen so many beautiful bodies in one place. Everybody is nearly naked and extremely comfortable with themselves. The hot summer air pulsates with naughty implications.
How cool.

Meanwhile, I begin to think about what sexy means in our American culture. A pair of stilettos? A low-cut dress? An aggressive dance? All accompanied by the requisite alcohol that people need to get their sexy on. There seems to be less imagination and more of a perfunctory stance. “If I wear this, I will be sexy” or “If I do this, I will look sexy”. Instead it should be about how one feels. I’ve seen women in t-shirts and jeans who look incredibly sexy or scruffy men who haven’t shaved in a week who pull it off beautifully.
Feeling sexy starts with feeling comfortable in one’s own skin. It’s about owning our imperfections and (elegantly) flaunting our sweet bits while being aware of our sexual power. It’s not (just) something you put on your body, it’s something you’ve cultivated inside…
I remember when my Italian husband moved to the States from Italy, one of the first things he noticed was the “neutrality” of the people; that everyone seemed to be on “stand by” instead of turned on and connected with the opposite sex. Nobody looked at each other with appreciation (or even lust); people almost looked away when there was someone attractive passing them on the street. Zero sexuality. How weird.
Being connected to ourselves and our sexuality is the touchstone of feeling sexy. Having the courage to openly appreciate a handsome man or attractive woman is natural (and flattering!)
When we truly like ourselves and feel connected to our surroundings and other people, we exude a mysterious energy and secret internal smile that says “there is much more to me than meets the eye…”
Now that’s sexy.

   

Be THANKFUL for the hunters out there..

Men have always had to do much of the heavy lifting in the initial stages of dating. They’re the ones who have to approach women (except in LA) and open themselves up to rejection.

They have to figure out the right opening line or joke to impress us while we have the option to either:
a) stand there and roll our eyes at our girlfriends
b) encourage and receive him
c) politely refuse him or
d) bitch slap him with our frigid stare.
That’s a lot to endure if things don’t go well. Then they have to make all the moves in the beginning (if a woman lets him): initiate the phone calls (I mean ambiguous texts and ‘safe’ emails), set up the dates, choose the venue, keep things interesting, etc... I know that for the most part, men really enjoy being in the role of the pursuer. I guess I’m just extra sensitive to a man’s responsibility in approaching women because we’re working with some wonderful gentlemen who genuinely want to get it right. They’re good-looking, successful, sweet and strong men. But they’re not impervious to the fear of being rejected or saying the wrong thing. While it’s their “job” to be the hunter and focus on a target and release the spear (fear seems more appropriate), do we have to make it so difficult for them? Hey Lady Gatherers! Be more compassionate when a guy tries to make small talk with you or approaches you at a bar or tries to make a funny. Chances are it took him a lot of courage to make a move. Appreciate that. Be sensitive to that. Indulge him if you’re interested. And if you’re not, say so in a nice way and with a smile. (Of course if he’s cray-cray and won’t leave you alone, all bets are off).

It’s difficult enough for both sexes to put themselves out there repeatedly so try to be kind and patient with each other. All everybody wants is to be loved and accepted.

   

Are YOU a Good-Time-Girl???

Often times we meet super cool women in their 30’s and 40’s who are attractive, have great careers and social lives and love to have fun. They work hard, play hard and are outgoing, spontaneous, adventure-driven women who are always ready for a good time. Men love these kind of women because they’re typically easy going and always up for anything, which means men can call them on a Thursday night at 6pm to see if they want to meet for a drink at 9pm. They’re usually game.
I like to call them “GTG’s” (Good time girls). They’re great girls who are out in the dating field, enjoying themselves and squeezing the balls of life. Fearless and flirty, they can usually tie one on with the best of them. GTG’s live in the moment, do what pleases them and make no apologies for who they are. If they want to sleep with a man on a first date, they will easily allow themselves to get swept up into the moment. Because it feels good….until… (drum roll, please)..They. Start. Wanting. More.

More commitment, more than just a booty call, more courtship, more time with him, more consideration, more clarity, more respect…
Herein lies the dilemma: Men love GTG’s but they marry NG’s (nice girls).
(Disclaimer: GTG’s are nice girls but I’m really referring to nice girls; who usually have traditional values, a lot of respect for themselves and demand respect from a man, rules they live by and they make it clear that they are focused on a serious, committed relationship which automatically puts them in the marriage material category),
The bigger problem is when women start out as GTG’s and try to shift into NG’s. They say they’re fine with a casual relationship (because they don’t want to appear high maintenance or needy) and never push for more in the beginning even though they want it. They’re terrified of rocking the boat or asking the man too many questions or laying down the law. Instead, GTG’s want to be seen as easy-peasie, low maintenance women. But somewhere along the way, they forget to ask for what they want and to remember that men are not looking for a drinking buddy or a ****buddy for the long haul.

I love GTG’s; they’re loads of fun. I just wish they would be more true to themselves. If they’re just out for a good time, that’s totally fine. Just call a spade a spade. Don’t pretend that you don’t want more if you really do. Use your voice.
Men fall in love with women who seem special to them, who value themselves and who they’re proud to bring home to meet their family.
So if that’s what you really want, put down that third drink and start paying attention to what you’re putting out there.