Embrace the Slow Sizzle...

The part of our job that I dislike the most is when I have to deliver the news to a client that their match didn’t feel any chemistry on the date. It’s always a little tough when the feeling is not mutual. Such are the rules of dating. You have to be “in it to win it” and part of the game is putting yourself out there and seeing what comes back.

But with the proliferation of online daters it seems that singles have less patience and higher expectations of finding “crazy chemistry” in an hour and a half date.
That spark is essential but also elusive. I’m just not sure if it’s entirely black and white. A magical connection can fall somewhere in the gray zone where it slowly peeks its head out while steadily piquing one’s interest. It just may take a little longer. We’ve seen it happen.


We rarely get the full picture picture of the stranger sitting in front of us which is why we highly encourage our clients to go on a second date even if there’s a minimal amount of intrigue (and I’m talking only 25%) because we’ve seen things go from 25% to 125% in two or three dates. The key seems to be seeing the person in a different light. Especially if you’re “on the fence” about someone.
We have a client who has a tendency to come across as a bit formal and corporate which rarely breeds flirting on a first date. Her dates often remarked that she seemed more of a CEO than a lady. She has a fun, feminine side. It was just hard to see on a first date. Since she loved the outdoors and being active and adventurous, we suggested a hike for her first date with a new gentleman. This set the tone of her being spontaneous, low maintenance and courageous (not too many women like to sweat on a first date). It turned out to be a successful date because the gentleman only experienced a natural, sexy beauty that was comfortable in her own skin instead of a high-level executive
So if you’re unsure about someone after a first date, plan an activity for the second. Go to an art opening. Or hike. Or the zoo. Or sporting event. Or play tennis. Or cook together. Or walk your dogs to the park. Meet at the beach at sunset. Taste wine. Ride horses. Just. Do. Something. Different . You may be surprised by what you see in the other person that you didn’t see the first time. People are more relaxed when they’re focusing on an activity instead of being in their head.
Stop waiting for the 4th of July to happen because the slow, soft burn often lasts longer…

Are you "Better on Paper" ?

These days we are navigating so many worlds in dating. There’s the virtual world, the tech world, the Facebook world and the real world. With so much emphasis on technology, people get so caught up in making a grand appearance. Too bad it doesn’t always match who they are in the real world.

The latest and greatest in social media allows anyone to be ‘Someone’. The socially inept guy is suddenly a Lothario through his well-crafted words, the straight-laced computer geek becomes super hip through his hi-tech graphic skills, the ugly duckling becomes a swan after uploading an amazing picture that took her 82 tries to get the right angle that hid her imperfections or the highly accomplished gentleman who proudly lists his Ivy-league education and impressive income but has no clue how to make a woman laugh. In one respect, technology has made it easier for singles that are somehow “challenged” in the dating world. Hiding behind technology is a sport these days. Unfortunately, it can become “Game Over” when we step out into the real world. Which is why the art of connection is still and will always be the most important “tool” in dating. So it’s essential to address those things that stand in your way of meeting your potential mate. If you’re posting pictures from more than 5 years ago because you want to appeal to a younger age range, chances are you are fishing in an inappropriate age range to begin with. Think it’s clever to send a picture of you from 20 pounds ago? Surely they won’t notice when you meet them in person! Is your online picture strategically shot where it covers up your bald head? Don’t think she’ll notice when you take off that baseball cap, huh? Are your social skills an “8” online and a”2” off line?
Come on, people. There are two options here: accept or change. Accept who you are – imperfections and all -- and OWN IT which means you will not hide your less-than-perfect “bits”. Besides, the person who falls in love with you will love all of you and that’s who you want to meet.
Or change. If you’re ashamed of the extra weight, do something about it. The dating pool becomes exponentially larger as you become smaller (aka more fit). If you’re unsure about how to approach / connect with singles, hire a dating coach or join a few groups.
Step out of your comfort zone and into the real world. It’s a much more rewarding place to be and feel.

Are you an "Oversharer" ?

One of the main reasons that we decided to go into the dating / matchmaking field was that we wanted to help singles be better prepared for dating. Emotionally prepared, conversationally prepared and behaviorally prepared. People rarely considered what kind of impression they wanted to make or how they wanted to lead. Have you thought about things you want your date to know about you…….or not know about you right away?

In our business, we’ve come across a lot of “open books” – people who have few filters and are compelled to share everything including the unsavory. Often they do this without realizing the effect of their full disclosure. They get comfortable with the other person and decide to reveal their deepest and darkest….on a first date! Sure, it makes them feel good for getting something off their chest but now they’re left with a date who smiles politely and supportively and then calls their matchmaker (or friend) the next day saying how shocked and turned off they were by something he / she said. Retaining a little mystery goes a long way.

Remember: the person sitting across from you is a stranger. Somebody who is still deciding if they like you or want to see you again. There is plenty of time to tell them about your horrible divorce or sad financial situation or that you’re over 40 and still have a roommate or that those aren’t your real teeth / hair / boobs or that you smoke pot every day or that you’re a recovering addict or that you haven’t had sex in almost 5 years, etc... NONE of these things are wrong or “bad” but all of them have one thing in common: inappropriate timing. It’s very important to differentiate yourself from the masses with your positive attributes, rather than ones that can potentially alienate you from the other person or encourage them to draw premature and inaccurate conclusions. There will be plenty of time to air your dirty laundry once there’s an established foundation within your relationship. And no, it’s not being sneaky withholding certain things initially as long as they’re just details and do not represent who you really are as a whole. The first few dates are meant to reveal if there’s a connection so lead with all of your assets and leave the liabilities for a rainy day. When both parties are “in it to win it”, there’s a better chance for them to stick around for glitches that inevitably arise.

   

The Key to finding The One: Figure out what MOVES you.

Feel. Share. Love.

Recently I was having lunch with a gorgeous single friend of mine. He’s a successful guy in his 40’s, tall, attractive, never-been-married, charming, a catch. He expressed his dismay with the quality of women whom he’s been “dating” which baffled me. Wait! Look at you. How are you not attracting what you’re looking for? I thought. He went on to regale me with stories of superficial women who were unable to keep up with his wit or intelligence. I found that hard to believe. While his stories were amusing, they lacked a pattern. Usually I’m able to immediately understand what someone’s “pattern” is. People are very open about their tendency to attract certain types; the emotionally unavailable type (aka players / narcissists), the unstable ones or the way-too-busy kind, etc...but he did not seem to have a pattern. His dates were all across the board. I soon found out why.

“Well what exactly are you looking for?” I asked. “I’m not sure” he replied. Uh…what?! He explained that he didn’t want to get too specific with what he was looking for (because he wasn’t sure) but at the same time he was exhausted with dating and could not wait to settle down. I was surprised that he did not give it more thought. “Besides chemistry and attraction, what else is important to you? What qualities are fundamental to your well being? What qualities would repel you?” I prodded. He was hemming and hawing and could not really give me a solid answer. No wonder he was exhausted. He was dating women who looked good at the time but who did not have sustainable qualities. The one question that I asked that seemed to bring it all together for him was this: What do you want your life to look like in the next 40 years? A complex, yet simple question that is very revealing. I’m not talking about goals; I want to know how you want to feel when you think about your future. Is your house full of kids or none or just one? Do you feel more music, chaos or serenity in your home? Do you want to feel alive with a lot of traveling? Or living abroad. Or maybe you envision a simple lifestyle with sunsets and books. Perhaps you feel yourself living a life with more adventure and risk taking. Whatever lifestyle you desire, choose someone who will appreciate the same quality of life. Being with someone who shares your love for the simple things in life – the everyday stuff that makes up and matters in your life – is gold. It’s not about sharing the same hobbies or even passions; rather it’s about being able to create extraordinary moments out of ordinary ones with a partner who appreciates the same nuance in life. So find someone whose heart sings to the same groove as yours and you will be making beautiful music together for a long time.

What Men Want: Greetings from Mars! What Planet Venus Should Know

Greetings from Mars!
What Planet Venus Should Know

The most interesting part of our business is hearing about the different perceptions men and women have about one another. We are wired so differently! Here are ten candid comments from some of our male clients about what they wish single women knew:

1. “Less is more.. as in less make-up, drinking, talking and jumping into bed too soon”
reveals Joseph (42, chiropractor). Ladies, remember even though you’re both having a great time reveling in the moment, having your 3rd margarita and feeling frisky, a man will sometimes judge you for it. I didn’t say it was fair. It just is.
2. Games are for kids: From Aaron (35, software engineer): “The cat-and-mouse game gets old. If you set the tone by being honest and forthcoming, men will most likely follow your lead – plus you’ll find out sooner if he’s a keeper”. And….“Why can’t women just say what they mean and mean what they say? Don’t disappear on us after seeing us a few times. If you don’t feel it for a guy, just tell him. We can take it”. Authenticity goes a long way. Who has time for games, anyway?
3. He’s not your girlfriend: “What do pencil skirts, maxi dresses, tussy mussies and pashminas have in common? Exactly. We don’t need to know about them” says Mark (37, actor). Just because you’re into yoga, shopping and rescuing animals doesn’t mean that your man has to be. That’s why we have girlfriends. Finding someone who shares your interests is a bonus but it needn’t be a prerequisite. Shared values and a willingness to explore your partner’s passions is more important.
4. Touch me, don’t text me: “We’re all emotional creatures who shouldn’t sacrifice our authenticity for superficial cyber-encounters. We may be more connected than ever before, but there IS a reason why we end up having only a handful of true friends in a lifetime. Less still beats out more, and quality wins in the end. If you’re shy and technology is your springboard, fine but let us know in person, too” says Steve (40, ad exec). So take it easy on the fingers girls and learn how to use your voice, femininity, facial expressions, wit and nuances to communicate with your date.
5. First date = Fun: “I wish women would stop worrying and start having more fun on a first date. If you go into it with your focus on fun and making a connection, you can only have a good time”. Says David (45, surgeon).This should be a First Date Creed. Other than putting your best foot forward, there’s really nothing else to focus on. If you plan on having a good time, you will. Approach your date like you’re meeting a new friend. Anything after that is a bonus. This philosophy alleviates the pressure to see if he’s the One and instead, centers you on having fun and being yourself.
6. Cultivate the “WO” in woman: “Why do women have to always show their tough side? You’re strong? – Great! I get that. Now that you’ve shoved that point down my throat, can you start being a lady?” says Angry Adam (52, venture capitalist). Men love women because we’re not like them. We have things that they don’t . SHOW THEM your femininity, playfulness, softness and warmth. Give them a glimpse of your sexiness. Your strength is appreciated but it’s not the first and foremost quality that men seek in women to begin with.
7. Leave the past where it belongs: “I went out with a girl once who spent the entire evening convincing me that a) she doesn’t take shit b) is a force to be reckoned with and c) was burned before but will never, EVER be in that situation again…I couldn’t wait to get the hell out of there. Please tell women not to make all men pay for the sins of a few” implores George (49, doctor). Everyone can relate to dating disasters. Half the time we’re more angry with ourselves for how we handled (or didn’t handle) a situation than with the actual male perpetrator. Learn the lesson and move on. Every man is a new experience; a new “dish” to try. If you keep finding yourself eating food that you don’t like, you better look inward and try to discover what you’re doing to attract the same thing
8. Know your worth: “I’ve got quite a few women friends who are wildly bright and successful in their careers but you would DIE if you saw the type of men they dated or the behavior they put up with; why don’t women understand their value?” Thanks Myles (40, director). How is a man supposed to see your value if you don’t? Establish rules for yourself. Determine what you’re willing to tolerate. Define your non-negotiables. Don’t be hung up on rules; let them serve as a guideline. Choose your men the same way you’d choose your friendships: with care.
9. Too Hot? Don’t Bother!: “I find it amazing that my really attractive girl friends cannot find dates; it’s like the hotter they are, the more difficult it is to attract the right man. Maybe they need to wear a sign that says “Please Approach Me!!!” because the kind of men that they like are not approaching them” (Jeff, 32, sound mixer). Sometimes the more attractive a woman is, the more she needs to send out “I’m approachable” signals. The bottom line is men are intimidated by really attractive women.. Even confident men lose their footing at times. Which is why it’s important to keep your green light on, smile, establish and maintain eye contact with someone you’re interested in. It could be a game changer.
10. “We are super visual” says all men all the time. Ask your best friend, someone whose fashion you admire or an image consultant what your style says about you. It is imperative. You may think those leather pants, flowy dresses or 80’s hairdo look great on you, but ask someone objective what they think. Perception is our own reality but have the courage to find out what other people perceive. Perhaps it’s time for a wardrobe update / new hair cut / make-over. Good image work is focused on accentuating the positive and disguising the not-so-positive. So… Experiment! Exercise! Hire an expert! Men notice a lot more than we realize and are less forgiving than women visually-speaking.

   

Put a little sizzle in your summer and gear up for romance...

It’s that time of year when the days are longer and hotter, the night feels sexier and more people are out and about. Ahhhhh, the sweet smell of summertime when the possibility of romance pulsates with promise. The business of matchmaking is on fire right now. Summer is a wonderful opportunity for singles to shift their perspective and approach in their dating life and tilt the odds in their favor of meeting someone special.
Here are a few tips to do just that:
 

Say YES! This time of year is ripe with barbecues, parties, boating excursions, volleyball on the beach, picnics, etc..There are more opportunities for social interaction which is precisely why you must accept all invitations. You never know who you’re going to meet and where so get off of the couch, turn off the TV and make an effort. You’ve heard it before: “If you always do what you’ve always done, you’ll always get what you’ve always got.”

Let your guard down. Everyone’s been hurt and nobody likes the feeling. Being vulnerable and putting oneself out there requires courage (and optimism) but it just takes one encounter to change your world. So let go a little; leave the office persona behind and feel free to be your playful, silly self. Stop worrying about what people will think or if you’ll be accepted or rejected. So what?! Our most successful matchmaking clients are the ones who are slightly detached to the outcome. Their philosophy is being open and adventurous to whomever they meet. Their motto: if it works out, fantastic…if not, life is still good. Their real secret weapon? They genuinely love their life and lead with positivity instead of need.
Take advantage of LA. There are so many cool things to do in our city especially in the summer. Festivals, outdoor concerts, new restaurant openings, block parties, street fairs, etc…Be creative and adventurous with your time and get out of your 5 mile radius for goodness sakes. LA Mag, Angeleno Magazine, Rundown.com/LA, Inside Hook and Thrillist are great resources for what’s happening in LA. Get on their lists so you can check out their events.

Play, Flirt, Love. People seem to give themselves permission to be more light, fun and playful in the summer. Throw caution to the wind and say hello to that beautiful stranger or smile at the guy in Whole Foods or your yoga class. Make yourself more available and differentiate yourself with a little step outside of your comfort zone. That’s always where the magic happens.

Now sit back with your Caipirinha and light heart and let the fun begin!

Cultivate the Art of Romance and Celebrate this Valentine's Day "La Dolce Vita" Style

 

Cultivate the art of romance and celebrate this Valentine’s Day - La dolce vita style
The key to romance and seduction is to create extraordinary moments out of ordinary things. Some of the most meaningful ideas come from simplicity and the heart. Here are a few:

1. Make a home-made card. Decorate it with your love, pictures, secrets between you and your lover and reasons why you love them.
2. Instead of giving ubiquitous roses, why not pick wild flowers and wrap them in newspaper or tie with twine for a vintage, romantic look.
3. Create an intimate memento and put your picture (or one of you together) or romantic expression on your lover’s favorite coffee cup, t-shirt, key chain, beer mug, etc…
4. Craft an “act of kindness” coupon and gift your lover an hour massage or offer to do the food shopping for that week or wash their car, walk the dog, etc.. Be specific and include an expiration date.

5. Name a S T A R after him / her (starregistry.com)
6. Plan a night of sensuality with a warm bath, scented candles (sandalwood stirs the nether regions), Massive Attack’s “Protection” or Kid Loco’s “A Grand Love Theme” playing in the background and a new move between the sheets.
7. Prepare a wine tasting for two with four or five Italian wines; include an antipasto with Pecorino Romano cheese, Castelvetrano olives, Soppressata and warm bread drizzled with evoo. Buon Appetito
8. Room Service! Spend the night at a swanky boutique hotel and order the full dinner service complete with waiter, white tablecloth, decadent dinner covers and both of you in your birthday suit.
9. Write a poem and have it translated to one of the romance languages. Everything sounds better in Italian…Si, Si amore mio.
10. On a budget? Spring for Prosecco instead of champagne. It’s just as delicious and elegant. Or bring your lover a plant that symbolizes your relationship; nurture it and watch it grow with time and love.