The WORST offense in Dating. For Men.

Recently I’ve received feedback from three female clients who all shared the same complaint about their first dates: he talked non-stop. All three ladies were annoyed and reluctant to give the respective gentleman a second date. One woman said “I was so bored and unnerved, I just wanted to leave”. The other was a little more amused: “He asked me ONE question the entire night!!!” The third was very disappointed because she liked him initially and interpreted his two hour monologue as a sign of his disinterest. 

 

Most men don’t know when they’re monopolizing a conversation. They could speak for 90% of the time and when I ask them about what they thought of their date, they’ll say “she was great; we had a wonderful time”. Of course you did. Some men are more focused on being interesting than being interested.

Creating rapport is about telling stories, asking background questions and revealing interesting aspects about your personality. The primary focus of this stage is to show the best side of you.
The point of rapport is simple: you’re trying to establish a connection. When you know she’s attracted, you don’t have to worry about impressing her anymore. Instead, you should focus on providing cool details about your life. For example, you could share a few travel stories, unique experiences, interesting jobs you’ve had or passions. Remember to ask “strategic questions” – ask her what you want her to know about you.

Reflect back and share your observation. This is where you need to use your listening and intuitive skills. You’re not stating the obvious, you’re offering up your thoughts. Women will tell you all about themselves if you really listen. By paying attention and then offering your sincere observations, you’re showing her that you care about what she’s saying. There’s nothing that attracts a woman more than being heard and understood.

Challenge her a little. Women like to be challenged because they like men to feel impressed. This is a way to tease a woman and yet get her to know that you are a confident man which women love.

Be a Magnet. Purposefully persuade her to give you her number so you don’t have to ask for it. During conversation when you discover commonalities, be a little slick. If you both like photography, you can casually say “Oh yeah, there’s a fabulous photographer I want to see who's having his first show next week…” or if she expresses that she loves Italian food, you could say: “I’m dying to try this new Italian bistro that just opened; should we check it out together?”

The art of conversation is a delicate dance that requires a shared cadence. Make sure that you’re being the kind of company that you’d like to keep.

Top Eight First Date DON'TS

Top 8 First Date Don’ts

1. Don’t complain. Just because you’re feeling comfortable with the person in front of you and feel compelled to share your tales of woe, don’t. It’s not fun to hear how upset or angry you are about your job / kids / life / daddy / mommy. People may kindly listen but inside they’re thinking what a downer you are.

2. Don’t “over” anything. As in over drink, over share, over do your sarcasm, overuse foul language, over- talk or talk over. Unless you want the date to be over before it even started
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3. Don’t dump your dirty laundry on the table because you want to “get it out there” right away because “it’s a part of who you are”. Um…the stranger in front of you doesn’t‘t need to know about your bad divorce, prior convictions / addictions, bunion surgery or recent bankruptcy on a first date.

4. Don’t try to gage his financial status with questions about the car he drives, if he rents or owns or has a vacation home. It’s transparent and shallow and he will peg you as a gold digger.

5. Don’t be so intense. Make sure there’s levity and laughter otherwise, what is the point? Conversation that comes across as too serious or professional is off-putting. Nobody wants that energy on a first date.

6. Don’t worry about flirting or having a good time because you’re unsure about your date or afraid of leading him / her on. You are still allowed to have fun even if you decide that the person is not right for you.

7. Don’t emphasize your “restrictions” right away. It comes across as high maintenance when you immediately reveal your dietary restrictions, drink restrictions, health issues or crazy busy work schedule. Why lead with something so limiting?

8. Don’t expect too much. Your goal is to have fun, explore and connect. Starting with expectations too high is a recipe for failure. Stay open, hopeful, real and grounded.


Based on consistent feedback from our clients. In no particular order.

"Perfect' in Dating is a myth. Look for Perfection in the Imperfection

The biggest challenge in dating today is that people expect to find their version of perfection…or at least someone who totally fulfills their ‘list of requirements’. We’re a culture who likes to check, check, check things off our list. The problem is, that’s all backwards. Of course you need to make sure that you’re meeting people within your range of fundamental priorities. But at the end of the day, it boils down to the feeling, not the list. When you feel that indescribably delicious chemistry with someone, I guarantee you’re not going to care about those extra pounds / the color of her hair / his height / her degree / his job, etc.. You’re NOT. You’re going to be so happy that you finally connected with your person that you will just deal with the pieces that aren’t a perfect fit.

So unless you’re perfect, do not expect perfection in the man or woman you’re about to meet , date or fall in love with.


Here are some things that you should remember when you’re seriously looking for The One:

1. Don’t fixate on a ‘ type ‘ that works for you because let’s face it, if you’re still single, your type is not working for you.
   
2. Leave your check list at home. When you meet The One, you will FEEL something. That something will feel good. You will be thrilled that you found that long-awaited connection and know that you will handle the imperfections or decide what you can tolerate.
   
3. Simplify. Don’t get consumed by the imperfect moments on a first date. It’s rarely indicative of the real person. Oftentimes, people send their “representative” (aka the image they want to project) instead of their true selves. Don’t hem and haw about the “little things” that weren’t perfect. At the end of the date, just ask yourself one thing: “Overall did I have a good time with this person?” If you did, see them again. It’s really that simple.
   
4. Real perfection is finding someone who challenges you to think differently, see another perspective and makes you become a better person. How boring would it be to have someone just agree with you all the time without having their own opinions?
   
5. Differentiate yourself. Embrace what makes you unique. Don’t wait to bring your fun or goofy side out. Or sweet, nurturing side. Or quirkiness. Stand out. Being genuine is so underrated these days that it’s disarming, charming and will leave an impact.

Oscar Wilde said it best: “Be yourself; everyone else is taken.”

OVER-thinking is ruining your love life.

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As a matchmaker, I can easily say that over-analytical behavior is hands down the number one crime in dating. There’s no place for cerebral decision-making in matters of the heart.

While it’s normal to process a ton of information when we first meet someone – how they look, move, express themselves verbally and non-verbally – getting trapped in over-analytical mode will damage your chances of finding love.

People who do this are not focusing on what is really being said, rather they focus on what they think is behind the words. When you do that, you are not actually (actively) listening. The danger is that you sometimes come up with your own version of things instead of what actually occurred in the conversation.
Those who over think things fail to be in the moment; they’re constantly thinking about what they’re going to say next instead of enjoying what’s happening in front of them. Or they’re analyzing what someone just said instead of taking it at face value. Others are not great at small talk so they’re stuck in their heads grasping at topics to bring up instead of hearing what’s being said right now. No wonder dating has become so stressful!

Here are three ways to stop overanalyzing on your dates.

1. Read between the lines just don’t let it dominate a conversation. There are plenty of people who have been burned in dating and approach it with a “guilty until proven innocent” mantra. They’ve trained themselves to look for the bad. While it’s normal and smart to use our instincts when we first meet someone, we don’t need to constantly second guess what someone is saying. Give them the benefit of the doubt. Listen less to what people say and watch more what they actually do. That will always reveal their true nature.
2. Be prepared with topics ahead of time. For those who dislike small talk, prepare a few topics / questions that you’d like to talk about such as current events, a controversial topic, something interesting you’d like for your date to know about you or a unique question. The key is to fill your pockets with possibilities so you can pull one out easily instead of hide in your head and miss the whole nuance of a conversation.
3. Stop psychoanalyzing people. It’s so disheartening when we hear this kind of feedback from our clients: “He said his mother was a challenge so he must not have the tools to have a healthy relationship with women” or “She said she wants a family but I’m not ready to jump into a relationship and have kids right away”. Why are people jumping to conclusions and sabotaging potential relationships? Who are you to judge and close the door on a potential relationship based on something someone you barely know said? On a first date? Stop making assumptions. It’s not only unfair, it’s narrow-minded and a sure fire way to stay single.
People will show you who they are. Just give it time.

Is the Online You the same as the Offline You?

 

Recently I sat down with a potential client. Let’s call him Joe. He walked towards me with confidence and warmth. I was immediately smitten. I tend to “fall in love” with my clients. Joe was in his early 50’s, “good-looking enough”, wildly successful in the medical field and charismatic. He spent the majority of time talking about his journey into self-discovery, studying eastern religions and how important it was to give back. He wanted to meet someone who was like-minded and self-aware with a degree of warmth and authenticity.

I was so excited. I have tons of women like this. Of course I knew that she had to be attractive, too. Men are highly visual so I always assume they’re looking for someone attractive even though beauty is in the eye of the beholder. Joe left me with such a great feeling that I couldn’t wait to start working with him. Then something changed. As we got one step closer to matchmaking, he became very selective with what the girls should look like. The “very attractive, cool women” he said he was looking for turned into “someone with super model looks”. He sent me a few visual references of his super model “girlfriends”. This really threw me off. I started checking out his ‘online presence’ and was baffled to see pictures of Party Boy Joe surrounded by a bevy of models. Every. Single.Picture. That’s when I realized the online Joe was totally incongruent with the offline Joe. How was this down to earth, authentic, quasi-Buddhist man (who was a bit out of shape) turning into a demanding “super-models-only-please” type? It disturbed me enough to start my own empirical study. I checked out all of our clients’ online presence and found that 20% of them had incongruent impressions of who they really are. It bothered me that people feel the need to portray themselves in a fictitious manner. It wouldn’t be a big deal if the internet wasn’t such a dominant source of information from which we cull all of our information.
If I had Googled Joe before we met, I’m not sure I would have been so open and inclined to work with him because he portrayed an image that was the complete antithesis of a man looking for his wife. What’s more, if the type of woman he originally claimed he was seeking saw the ‘online Joe’, I’m willing to bet she would have had trepidations in meeting him.

Be careful. What you put online is permanent. People quickly judge what they see. Make sure the online you is in harmony with the offline you. The ‘cover of your book’ should reflect the real you because it may be the only first impression people allow you to make.

What's so interesting about YOUR life...?

In our business, we meet all kinds of upscale professional singles who are looking for love. When a new clients says “I love my life. I’ve designed the life I want. I’m surrounded by great people and do interesting things. I don’t need a man / woman to make me happy; I’m just looking for someone to enhance my life” we get really excited to work with them because they’re dream clients. They have lives that they enjoy and are serene and busy doing interesting, cool things. This makes them super attractive. Sure they’d like to meet the right person but they’re still having fun along the way. They got it right.

Too many people get it wrong. We meet a lot of people who expect their lives to blossom and flourish the moment they meet the right person. But that’s backwards, isn’t it? These people have good careers and are attractive enough but they don’t do much with their lives. When we talk about what they like to do on the weekends, they come up short. When asked what they do for fun, they stare blankly. Would you date yourself based on the lifestyle you’ve created? Granted, some careers are highly demanding where there’s little time for much else … but even that is a choice.


We refer to our services as “the dolce vita of dating” because ‘the sweet life’ needs to be balanced with the ‘work life’ especially in this culture. Your career should not be the only interest you have in life. Whenever I ask what people like to do, they’ll say things like “I used to play tennis a lot” or “I love going to art openings but I don’t do that kind of stuff alone” or they’ll name something they do once a year. The quality of our lives is determined by the small everyday things with which we fill it. You can really tell who a person is by what they choose to do on the weekends. Being on your computer or glued to the TV does not render an interesting life, let alone increase your chances of meeting somebody. You become interesting when you are an active participant of life.
Think about it. Are you more attracted to the person who leads an interesting, well-rounded life or the one who just catches up on their errands and likes to stay home and watch movies? There’s nothing wrong with the latter when you’re already in a relationship. But when you’re single and trying to put your best foot forward, you really need to explore who you are and cultivate the things that matter to you. Or spend time with your really interesting friends since the people with whom you associate often determine the type of person you become.
If you want to meet an interesting person, you need to be an interesting person.

   

Embrace the Slow Sizzle...

The part of our job that I dislike the most is when I have to deliver the news to a client that their match didn’t feel any chemistry on the date. It’s always a little tough when the feeling is not mutual. Such are the rules of dating. You have to be “in it to win it” and part of the game is putting yourself out there and seeing what comes back.

But with the proliferation of online daters it seems that singles have less patience and higher expectations of finding “crazy chemistry” in an hour and a half date.
That spark is essential but also elusive. I’m just not sure if it’s entirely black and white. A magical connection can fall somewhere in the gray zone where it slowly peeks its head out while steadily piquing one’s interest. It just may take a little longer. We’ve seen it happen.


We rarely get the full picture picture of the stranger sitting in front of us which is why we highly encourage our clients to go on a second date even if there’s a minimal amount of intrigue (and I’m talking only 25%) because we’ve seen things go from 25% to 125% in two or three dates. The key seems to be seeing the person in a different light. Especially if you’re “on the fence” about someone.
We have a client who has a tendency to come across as a bit formal and corporate which rarely breeds flirting on a first date. Her dates often remarked that she seemed more of a CEO than a lady. She has a fun, feminine side. It was just hard to see on a first date. Since she loved the outdoors and being active and adventurous, we suggested a hike for her first date with a new gentleman. This set the tone of her being spontaneous, low maintenance and courageous (not too many women like to sweat on a first date). It turned out to be a successful date because the gentleman only experienced a natural, sexy beauty that was comfortable in her own skin instead of a high-level executive
So if you’re unsure about someone after a first date, plan an activity for the second. Go to an art opening. Or hike. Or the zoo. Or sporting event. Or play tennis. Or cook together. Or walk your dogs to the park. Meet at the beach at sunset. Taste wine. Ride horses. Just. Do. Something. Different . You may be surprised by what you see in the other person that you didn’t see the first time. People are more relaxed when they’re focusing on an activity instead of being in their head.
Stop waiting for the 4th of July to happen because the slow, soft burn often lasts longer…