Three ways to stop over-analyzing on your dates

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As a matchmaker, I can easily say that over-analytical behavior is hands down the number one crime in dating. There’s no place for cerebral decision-making in matters of the heart.

While it’s normal to process a ton of information when we first meet someone – how they look, move, express themselves verbally and non-verbally – getting trapped in over-analytical mode will damage your chances of finding love.

People who do this are not focusing on what is really being said, rather they focus on what they think is behind the words. When you do that, you are not actually (actively) listening. The danger is that you sometimes come up with your own version of things instead of what actually occurred in the conversation.

Those who over think things fail to be in the moment; they’re constantly thinking about what they’re going to say next instead of enjoying what’s happening in front of them. Or they’re analyzing what someone just said instead of taking it at face value. Others are not great at small talk so they’re stuck in their heads grasping at topics to bring up instead of hearing what’s being said right now. No wonder dating has become so stressful!

Here are three ways to stop overanalyzing on your dates.

1. Read between the lines just don’t let it dominate a conversation. There are plenty of people who have been burned in dating and approach it with a “guilty until proven innocent” mantra. They’ve trained themselves to look for the bad. While it’s normal and smart to use our instincts when we first meet someone, we don’t need to constantly second guess what someone is saying. Give them the benefit of the doubt. Listen less to what people say and watch more what they actually do. That will always reveal their true nature.

2. Be prepared with topics ahead of time. For those who dislike small talk, prepare a few topics / questions that you’d like to talk about such as current events, a controversial topic, something interesting you’d like for your date to know about you or a unique question. The key is to fill your pockets with possibilities so you can pull one out easily instead of hide in your head and miss the whole nuance of a conversation.

3. Stop psychoanalyzing people. It’s so disheartening when we hear this kind of feedback from our clients: “He said his mother was a challenge so he must not have the tools to have a healthy relationship with women” or “She said she wants a family but I’m not ready to jump into a relationship and have kids right away”. Why are people jumping to conclusions and sabotaging potential relationships? Who are you to judge and close the door on a potential relationship based on something someone you barely know said? On a first date? Stop making assumptions. It’s not only unfair, it’s narrow-minded and a sure fire way to stay single.

People will show you who they are. Just give it time…

Getting Past "Hello"

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  A first impression in dating used to be based on how you felt as soon as you saw someone and started chatting them up.

  These days a simple hello can be interpreted in so many different ways since it’s usually cloaked in technology and sent by a stranger.

  Ok, not exactly a stranger but someone whose picture and personal information you’ve combed through on a dating site.

  Recently, a client of ours almost did not go out with her (blind) date because he texted something very non-committal before the date like “Just confirming our 6pm on Friday”. She was so turned off that he did not introduce himself or say how much he looked forward to meeting her. And no, she’s not high maintenance; she’s right.

  Singles need to start stepping up their game and stop hiding behind technology. A first impression begins the second you hit ‘send’.

  Here are four ways to make an impactful first impression in today’s tech-drunk world:

  1. Clarity matters. Men: if you are interested in a woman, be clear. Don’t say “Hey let’s hang out sometime” or “I’d love to take you to dinner” or “There’s a cool party this Friday night; you should stop by”. Be solid, confident and specific: “I’d love to take you out for a sushi dinner next Friday; are you free?” If she cannot make it (and she’s interested in you), she will politely decline and suggest a time(s) when she is available.

  2. Brevity rules. There is so much that gets lost in translation when strangers start trying to get to know each other through technology. If you think about it, it’s really an insane way to get to know someone. Don’t get so personal. Keep it light and fun. It’s all about the banter and keeping things intriguing enough to want to take things offline and into real life.

  3. Differentiate yourself. Freak them out with an actual phone call!! There are so many old school singles who prefer an initial call over texts. It shows respect, confidence and a certain level of commitment. Men rarely call; you will definitely grab her attention if you do.

  4. Share your preferred method of communication early on. Be true to who you are and communicate the way that best suits you. So many relationships fall to the wayside because people are unsure about what the other person meant or have different expectations regarding the appropriate amount of texts to show interest. Try to have that actual conversation from the start so there’s little room for misunderstanding. People who communicate similarly tend to have a better chance at a relationship.

  A special connection is difficult to find. Preserve it with crystal clear interactions from the start so your relationship has a winning chance.

  
  

First Date Rule #1: Looks Matter

 

There’s no other time when looks matter more than when you’re single.

Keeping fit and making an effort in your appearance says you care about yourself and how you come across. That’s attractive.

Being “attractive” means being ‘appealing, inviting, tempting, sexually alluring’.

How attractive are you these days………?

Gentlemen, how you dress on a first date matters. Most likely, your date has blown out her hair, bought a cute dress, done her nails and then some.

So please iron your shirt, trim your a**neck and don’t wear open-toed sandals, flip flops or tevas. Ever. Don’t be lazy. Even though “it’s LA” or you live on the Westside, you’re not too cool to purposefully look like you made an effort to look good. Having a clear sense of style is hot and will differentiate you from the masses who think Lululemon or Birkenstocks are fashion statements.

Ladies, try to wear something that shows you’re female.

Men enjoy looking at women because we remind them of everything they’re not. Anything too corporate or “crunchy” gives the opposite effect.

Here’s what we’ve heard from some of our clients: “it looked like she was wearing a sack” or “She looked like a busy mom who just threw on lipstick” or “he looked way too casual for a first date” or “it looked like he literally rolled out of bed”.  Some of you may be thinking “I don’t care, this is who I am; take it or leave it” That’s fine if you’re okay being single for awhile.

If you won’t go the extra mile to make a good first impression for your potential future mate, when will you?

I’m willing to bet you make sure you look good for the important presentation at work or when you’re going out with clients.

Meeting the person with whom you’ll possibly spend the rest of your life is hands down even more important. Sure, we know that people get tired and jaded after too many unfruitful first dates, but that should never turn into apathy.

If you’re giving half-a**, you’re going to get half-a**.

We firmly believe there’s someone for everyone BUT the more you’re holding onto those extra pounds, your 20yr old hair style, your parachute pants or “this is who I am; deal with it” attitude, the smaller pool of candidates you will get to choose from. Everybody is special and deserves to be loved and adored. You must give someone a reason to explore your specialness. Like it or not, your presentation is the first step in enticing someone to discover you further.

Top 10 Ways Women Fail With Men in Dating

1. Being too Needy.

It’s a surefire way to turn off a man in the early stages of a relationship. Women need to let men lead. That means he does all the pursuing, calling and planning in the beginning. Enjoy the delicate dance of being seduced and pursued. If he likes you, he will call you.

2. Always saying Yes.

Ladies seem to forget that they had a life before “He” came into it. Maintain your social life and go out with your friends once in awhile. It’s attractive for a man to see that the woman he’s interested in has a life. (In fact, that quality tends to be a prerequisite for a lot of men). It's too much pressure for a man to fee like he's responsible for your livelihood.

3. Being too guarded or neutral on a first date.

If a man has to use a million techniques to get a woman to open up on a first date, he will not ask for a second one. Men are much more inclined to ask a woman out again if she's given him signals that she's interested in him throughout the date. Being too neutral has almost the same effect as being disinterested.

4. Jumping the Gun. Women tend to create a beautiful scenario in their minds before a man even decides if he wants to have another drink with them. It’s important to show him that you like and appreciate him in subtle, feminine ways. Just don't put the cart before the horse and start planning too far in advance. Spend the early stages of the relationship learning about and enjoying one another before you plan to integrate him into other aspects of your life.

5. Just Being Nice.

How many times have you heard your female friends describe her date as a “really nice guy … but” We all know that’s the kiss of death. Only being nice doesn’t get you too far. So don’t just be nice, be other things, too. (Read: Confident, Feminine, Fun, Funny etc..) . You can communicate other aspects of your personality while behaving nicely. What’s your secret weapon?

6. Giving away all of your power.

Some women try to get men to like them by doing whatever the man wants. Men are never attracted to women who they can walk all over. It may be cool to 'get their way' at first but after awhile, it gets boring, they lose respect and usually take advantage of a woman’s desire to please. Don’t ever give away your personal power. It’s yours to keep and protect. You can be agreeable and flexible in a relationship, but you need to have a backbone or else he will take advantage of you eventually.

7. Going to bed too soon.

The type of women men want to settle down with are mostly women who are very selective about being intimate. Give the relationship time to grow; allow him to become emotionally invested in you first ; it will strengthen your bond when you do finally make love. Plus, it’s a lot easier for a woman to walk away from a relationship and move on when she hasn’t been intimate with a man.

8. Looking for Personal Happiness within a relationship.

The only person who can really make us happy is ourselves. Some women tend to look at their relationships as a place to feel complete, but that feeling cannot come from another person if it doesn’t begin with us first. Work on being secure with who you are before you get into a relationship. There is nothing more attractive than a woman who is comfortable with herself – she exudes grace and confidence – which is hugely attractive to a man.

9. Underestimating your Feminine Energy.

Men fall in love with their eyes. They’re attracted to the sway of our hips, the bow of our lips, the small of our back, the scent of our perfume, the softness of our hands, the curve of our calves, etc..The more sensual a woman feels, the more she emits sexiness. So…take a long, hot bath before a date to get in touch with your body, play a favorite song that makes you feel sexy and “own” your favorite body part. Being sexy is a state of mind.

10. Permitting unacceptable behavior early on.

Women have two sets of rules of acceptable conduct: one for their girlfriends and one for their man. Certain behavior that women would not tolerate from their girlfriends become acceptable for the man they’re dating. Like... not calling when they said they would, being chronically late or calling only when they want something. When women make excuses for a man’s lack of consideration, she gives him permission to disrespect her and take her for granted.

Why Certain Women Are Having A Hard Time Dating

When it comes to matters of the heart, people are extremely judgmental when they first meet someone. Call it “thin slicing”, a gut reaction or unconscious behavior, but we make assumptions about others within seconds of meeting them.

As a matchmaker, I can assure you it’s the #1 reason a lot of people are still single.

Often what trips up a lot of women is when they make judgments before they’ve even met their date. Recently we were working with a female client who had a lot of ‘rules’. She had read many books on dating and was determined to implement the techniques that she believed would help her meet the right man. The problem was she allowed these rules to get in her way.


We introduced her to a gentleman and they hit it off on the first date. She was smitten; he was intrigued. He said he’d be in touch with her to ask her out again. Day 2, no call. She assumed the worst. She was offended and did not want to go out with him if he called her later on that day because she did not want to appear to be ‘waiting around for him’. She thought he was playing games. I had to remind her that this gentleman had a life before he met her and not to jump to conclusions. Perhaps it’s a really busy period at his work or something came up that he had to handle or he got sick, etc.. There are a whole slew of challenges that we face on a daily basis that are considered ‘acceptable’ when we know the person.
The gentleman did call her later on in the day and she thanked me profusely for “getting me out of my own way” and has been dating him for a few months now.
We’ve met a lot of women who think men are ‘guilty until proven innocent’ because they’ve been hurt in the past. Every man is different and deserves a chance. And if you’re not finding that is the case, then you better start looking at the choices you’re making.
Sometimes women assume that because a potential match had to reschedule or book a date far in advance that he must not be available for a relationship. Really?! You’ve never even met the person. Give someone the benefit of the doubt. We are leading busier lives these days. Please stop psychoanalyzing, commiserating with your girlfriends or imagining the worst. It’s a great way to sabotage potentially wonderful relationships and it makes you seem rigid and even a little bitter.
Early dating should be playful and lighthearted. Don’t take things so seriously so soon. Expecting perfection and people to be on your schedule and follow your rules will always lead to disappointment.

Be flexible, stay open, say YES and come from fun, not shun.