Be Seen in '14 !

Eight Things You Can Do to Improve Your Dating Life Now

Smile and say hello. Does anyone ever approach you? We’re already a super-disconnected society thanks to our hyper-connected world. Look up. Stop typing. Be open. Connect with your environment. Smile at people. If you see someone attractive, make eye contact, don’t look away. Smile at 10 strangers today and see how good you feel at the end of the day.
Get out of your comfort zone. If your daily schedule is work-gym-home with the occasional dinner or drinks out with friends, the likelihood of you meeting someone is l-o-w. Add variety to your routine. Join a wine tasting group, take a photography class, volunteer, walk the dog at a new park, say YES to all invitations. Doing something different will yield different results.
Don’t be so attached to the outcome. First dates are far from perfection so get real with your expectations. Everyone wants to leave a date feeling like they just met The One but it doesn’t always happen right away. It’s like buying a lottery ticket. When you buy one, you don’t start thinking about how you’re going to spend the money; you forget about it and go about your day…until you hit the jackpot., of course.
Get over yourself. Friends are wonderful. Most of them blow sunshine where the sun don’t shine and tell us what a great catch we are. And we believe them because they rarely enlighten us about the things that we need to improve. Perhaps you have blind spots that nobody’s ever mentioned to you or your hairstyle is the same you’ve had for 20 years or you’re clueless when it comes to starting a conversation. Consider setting up a consultation with an expert in the field of image or dating . Sometimes just a tiny shift in perspective and approach is all you need to attract what you’re looking for.

Stop the negativity. Some people make it a sport to find things wrong with their date and then deliciously commiserate with their friends .They expect to find something negative so they unconsciously look for it. Good fodder for friends, but sad cycle for you. Look for the good in people. As Walt Whitman said, “Be curious, not judgmental”.
Get a life. Find and cultivate your passion! If your job is the main attraction in your life, something’s wrong. How would you answer the question: “What do you do for FUN?” (Not relaxation). Working out at the gym doesn’t count. People are attracted to passionate people. Do something that adds value to who you are and what you bring to a relationship.
Stay connected. Too many people bring their cerebral self to the dating scene. Falling in love is not an intellectual decision, so stop staying in your head and come out and play and be in the moment. It’s where the real stuff happens. Vow to be present on your next date. See the other person with your heart. We’re all in this together.
Be comfortable with yourself. If you haven’t learned how to enjoy your own company, how is anyone else supposed to? It all begins with you.

   

'Tis the Season to Fly Solo ... and Stay Grounded.

There’s a reason why high season in matchmaking starts in September. People anticipate the pending holidays and nobody wants to go through it alone. The stress, expectations, frenetic pace, obligations, retail ruckus…OY! Of course spending the holidays with the one we love is simply delicious but I often wonder if people try too hard to create magic with the wrong person or Mr./ Ms. Right Now. It is a very vulnerable time of year for a lot of people that can foster social anxiety, family dysfunction, excessiveness and bad behavior. It’s also a very beautiful time when traditions and loved ones gather ‘round to make more sweet memories.

At times I have observed a subtle frenzy from our clients who will do anything to find someone with whom to go through the holidays. Herein lies the challenge. It’s already a heady time when people first start dating. There are questions, high emotions, sometimes misunderstandings when two people who barely know each other try to explore their potential connection. Add cryptic text messages, holiday parties, tight schedules, pre-made travel plans and mix in a dollop of imbalanced expectations and you have a recipe for miscommunication. Then there’s the pressure of integrating the new guy /girl you’re dating with your family and friends. Too much. Too soon.


Instead, if you’re going to be alone for the holidays, why not consider the following:
Find others who are alone and invite them to share your own table. A lot of people are in the same boat. Create your own memories and traditions with them. Ask everyone to share something they typically eat on the holidays so that everyone can be enjoying and sharing a piece of their own tradition.
Nurture yourself. If being around people and noise is not your thing, stay quiet with yourself. Treat yourself beautifully. Cook a lovely dinner. Go for a manicure or massage, play your favorite music, catch up on a beloved hobby. Treat yourself the way you would treat a good friend or family member.
Volunteer to serve a meal at a shelter or soup kitchen. Make a difference and touch others with your good will. There is very little else that will make you feel so good.
Plan ahead. If it looks like you're going to be spending the time on your own, let your friends know. People get so absorbed and stressed this time of year but if your friends know you will be alone and they’ll be in town, I would be surprised if you didn’t receive invitations from all of them. If you’re not up for joining in someone else’s festivities, leave town. Traveling is the best way to get out of your head and your own way; if you seek adventure, you will find it.
Be grateful. Keep a positive attitude about all you do have and focus less on what you don’t. There are loads of people who have it worse than you. Make a list and check it frequently.
Finally, if you are in a proactive mood, call us for a free consultation. We’ll do everything we can to get you on the right track for next year.
Happy Holidays and Expect good things!!!

Never Judge a Book by its Cover Alone

 

Being a matchmaker has tremendous rewards…and challenges. Everybody has a story and I always feel honored when people share their intimate details and difficulties with me. All I want to do is help and inspire them. Then there are those who seem to have it all figured out. They’re the “I’ve got it covered” clientele. They seem to know a lot about their strengths and very little about their challenges or blind spots. They “don’t need any advice and know how to date”; they just need a little more “access” to the right people according to them. Which is partly true, I’m sure. However the part that amazes me the most is that they’re not interested in modifying anything about themselves or their approach to dating even though they’re striking out left and right. “I’m just fine the way I am – it’s them” essentially is what they’re expressing. This is when I quote Einstein’s definition of insanity: doing the same thing over and over (and over!) again and expecting a different result.
 

Oftentimes this type of client is very focused and attached to their check list:
Does he have a PhD? Does she have less than 20% body fat? Does he make over $200k? Is she a ‘10’? Does he own his place? Is she 15-20 years younger? While there’s nothing wrong with these requests – after all, people like what they like – there is something wrong with focusing more on what looks ‘good on paper’ and less on how the person makes you feel. These type of people like to be dazzled by status, superficiality and security. The sad thing is, those are all qualities that can be ‘here today, gone tomorrow’. Many times I see people going after the same types and making the same mistakes each time. At the end of the day, does the man and all his toys make you feel loved, cherished and adored? Is your model-worthy girlfriend supportive? Is she there for you when you hit a bump in the road and lose your status? The pomp and flash are seductive in the beginning but they’re not always sustainable qualities.

Why not start re-evaluating your ‘type’ and ask yourself if it’s time to update what’s important to you. What’s the missing link? What’s the thing that keeps coming up in all of your relationships? Why are your relationships ending? There’s nothing wrong with looking for a man or woman that makes you proud because of their accomplishments or beauty; I’m simply suggesting to keep it balanced. Look at the other side of the coin, too. Beauty fades, status wanes, money comes and goes, so make sure your partner has the goods in other areas like compassion, kindness, supportiveness and generosity of spirit. Because when the going gets tough (and it will), there’s nothing more delicious than knowing when you walk through the door that somebody has your back.

For the Ladies: The Power of Waiting

I grew up in an Italian Catholic family where the rules were strict but the food was amazing. My mother, who was born and raised outside of Venice, Italy always taught me the importance of having traditional values, strong morals, to respect my body and “never chase the boys”. As I got older, I began to think that her viewpoints were a bit antiquated and stale. But now that I’m in the business of matchmaking and working with singles, I realize how incredibly important the implications of her words were.

Dating should be a delicate dance of getting to know each other slowly but surely. It’s a beautiful time that’s packed with intrigue, anticipation and flirting. When two people feel the same way about each other, it’s intoxicating. However, instead of enjoying the experience of watching the story unfold, many people just want to race to the finish line before they’ve decided if it’s even a game they want to play.

Lately, I’ve heard a lot of stories of regret from the ladies: “If I knew he was______ (married / such a jacka** / a player / so selfish, etc...), I never would have gone to bed with him”. At the risk of sounding old fashioned, I believe that giving ourselves completely to a man should be considered a precious gift. Not just for our sake, but also for the man. When women make men wait, their value automatically increases. A man may be disappointed at first, but deep down inside, he’s incredibly respectful and intrigued by the woman. “WOW, she’s different than most women I’ve been out with”, he notes. Different = special. Differentiating yourself from the masses is essential in dating. Men fall in love with women who respect themselves and demand respect from them. They consider it a turn-on and a challenge.

But it’s not about manipulating a man or merely protecting your gifts. It’s about taking things slow for the sake of understanding different layers of the man before you get jiggy together. Sex can decrease your ability to objectively measure someone (particularly if the sex is good), especially if it’s too early in the relationship.
There’s no right or wrong amount of time to make him wait. If your focus is finding The One, your future husband, the father of your children then those stakes are pretty high and it behooves you to take your time, doesn’t it?

Wait as long as it takes to learn about each other, find compatibility points, assess his character and intentions and allow deeper feelings to evolve. Flirting and laughter are the best foreplay in the world. Besides, if a man really wants to be with you, nothing can keep him away. But don't make him wait just to see how committed he is. Do it to see if he is right for you.

Musings from the Motherland where sexy got its name

Spending a part of the summer on the Adriatic coast in Italy does wonders for the soul..and little for the ego. These people are GOR-geous! Naturally so. Italians flock to the seaside with reckless abandon. Here, everyone is the same. Sunbathing is a sport with fit legs splayed open, thongs galore and bare breasts and tiny Speedos on display; it’s a caramel smorgasbord of super soft porn. And there’s more.

Italians are keenly aware of their sexuality. It’s quite evident that women enjoy being female and men relish their testosterone-laden masculinity. Nobody is afraid of showing their appreciation for what (whom) they like. Sensuality is the universal language. I have never seen so many beautiful bodies in one place. Everybody is nearly naked and extremely comfortable with themselves. The hot summer air pulsates with naughty implications.
How cool.

Meanwhile, I begin to think about what sexy means in our American culture. A pair of stilettos? A low-cut dress? An aggressive dance? All accompanied by the requisite alcohol that people need to get their sexy on. There seems to be less imagination and more of a perfunctory stance. “If I wear this, I will be sexy” or “If I do this, I will look sexy”. Instead it should be about how one feels. I’ve seen women in t-shirts and jeans who look incredibly sexy or scruffy men who haven’t shaved in a week who pull it off beautifully.
Feeling sexy starts with feeling comfortable in one’s own skin. It’s about owning our imperfections and (elegantly) flaunting our sweet bits while being aware of our sexual power. It’s not (just) something you put on your body, it’s something you’ve cultivated inside…
I remember when my Italian husband moved to the States from Italy, one of the first things he noticed was the “neutrality” of the people; that everyone seemed to be on “stand by” instead of turned on and connected with the opposite sex. Nobody looked at each other with appreciation (or even lust); people almost looked away when there was someone attractive passing them on the street. Zero sexuality. How weird.
Being connected to ourselves and our sexuality is the touchstone of feeling sexy. Having the courage to openly appreciate a handsome man or attractive woman is natural (and flattering!)
When we truly like ourselves and feel connected to our surroundings and other people, we exude a mysterious energy and secret internal smile that says “there is much more to me than meets the eye…”
Now that’s sexy.

   

Be THANKFUL for the hunters out there..

Men have always had to do much of the heavy lifting in the initial stages of dating. They’re the ones who have to approach women (except in LA) and open themselves up to rejection.

They have to figure out the right opening line or joke to impress us while we have the option to either:
a) stand there and roll our eyes at our girlfriends
b) encourage and receive him
c) politely refuse him or
d) bitch slap him with our frigid stare.
That’s a lot to endure if things don’t go well. Then they have to make all the moves in the beginning (if a woman lets him): initiate the phone calls (I mean ambiguous texts and ‘safe’ emails), set up the dates, choose the venue, keep things interesting, etc... I know that for the most part, men really enjoy being in the role of the pursuer. I guess I’m just extra sensitive to a man’s responsibility in approaching women because we’re working with some wonderful gentlemen who genuinely want to get it right. They’re good-looking, successful, sweet and strong men. But they’re not impervious to the fear of being rejected or saying the wrong thing. While it’s their “job” to be the hunter and focus on a target and release the spear (fear seems more appropriate), do we have to make it so difficult for them? Hey Lady Gatherers! Be more compassionate when a guy tries to make small talk with you or approaches you at a bar or tries to make a funny. Chances are it took him a lot of courage to make a move. Appreciate that. Be sensitive to that. Indulge him if you’re interested. And if you’re not, say so in a nice way and with a smile. (Of course if he’s cray-cray and won’t leave you alone, all bets are off).

It’s difficult enough for both sexes to put themselves out there repeatedly so try to be kind and patient with each other. All everybody wants is to be loved and accepted.

   

Are YOU a Good-Time-Girl???

Often times we meet super cool women in their 30’s and 40’s who are attractive, have great careers and social lives and love to have fun. They work hard, play hard and are outgoing, spontaneous, adventure-driven women who are always ready for a good time. Men love these kind of women because they’re typically easy going and always up for anything, which means men can call them on a Thursday night at 6pm to see if they want to meet for a drink at 9pm. They’re usually game.
I like to call them “GTG’s” (Good time girls). They’re great girls who are out in the dating field, enjoying themselves and squeezing the balls of life. Fearless and flirty, they can usually tie one on with the best of them. GTG’s live in the moment, do what pleases them and make no apologies for who they are. If they want to sleep with a man on a first date, they will easily allow themselves to get swept up into the moment. Because it feels good….until… (drum roll, please)..They. Start. Wanting. More.

More commitment, more than just a booty call, more courtship, more time with him, more consideration, more clarity, more respect…
Herein lies the dilemma: Men love GTG’s but they marry NG’s (nice girls).
(Disclaimer: GTG’s are nice girls but I’m really referring to nice girls; who usually have traditional values, a lot of respect for themselves and demand respect from a man, rules they live by and they make it clear that they are focused on a serious, committed relationship which automatically puts them in the marriage material category),
The bigger problem is when women start out as GTG’s and try to shift into NG’s. They say they’re fine with a casual relationship (because they don’t want to appear high maintenance or needy) and never push for more in the beginning even though they want it. They’re terrified of rocking the boat or asking the man too many questions or laying down the law. Instead, GTG’s want to be seen as easy-peasie, low maintenance women. But somewhere along the way, they forget to ask for what they want and to remember that men are not looking for a drinking buddy or a ****buddy for the long haul.

I love GTG’s; they’re loads of fun. I just wish they would be more true to themselves. If they’re just out for a good time, that’s totally fine. Just call a spade a spade. Don’t pretend that you don’t want more if you really do. Use your voice.
Men fall in love with women who seem special to them, who value themselves and who they’re proud to bring home to meet their family.
So if that’s what you really want, put down that third drink and start paying attention to what you’re putting out there.