Getting Past "Hello"

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  A first impression in dating used to be based on how you felt as soon as you saw someone and started chatting them up.

  These days a simple hello can be interpreted in so many different ways since it’s usually cloaked in technology and sent by a stranger.

  Ok, not exactly a stranger but someone whose picture and personal information you’ve combed through on a dating site.

  Recently, a client of ours almost did not go out with her (blind) date because he texted something very non-committal before the date like “Just confirming our 6pm on Friday”. She was so turned off that he did not introduce himself or say how much he looked forward to meeting her. And no, she’s not high maintenance; she’s right.

  Singles need to start stepping up their game and stop hiding behind technology. A first impression begins the second you hit ‘send’.

  Here are four ways to make an impactful first impression in today’s tech-drunk world:

  1. Clarity matters. Men: if you are interested in a woman, be clear. Don’t say “Hey let’s hang out sometime” or “I’d love to take you to dinner” or “There’s a cool party this Friday night; you should stop by”. Be solid, confident and specific: “I’d love to take you out for a sushi dinner next Friday; are you free?” If she cannot make it (and she’s interested in you), she will politely decline and suggest a time(s) when she is available.

  2. Brevity rules. There is so much that gets lost in translation when strangers start trying to get to know each other through technology. If you think about it, it’s really an insane way to get to know someone. Don’t get so personal. Keep it light and fun. It’s all about the banter and keeping things intriguing enough to want to take things offline and into real life.

  3. Differentiate yourself. Freak them out with an actual phone call!! There are so many old school singles who prefer an initial call over texts. It shows respect, confidence and a certain level of commitment. Men rarely call; you will definitely grab her attention if you do.

  4. Share your preferred method of communication early on. Be true to who you are and communicate the way that best suits you. So many relationships fall to the wayside because people are unsure about what the other person meant or have different expectations regarding the appropriate amount of texts to show interest. Try to have that actual conversation from the start so there’s little room for misunderstanding. People who communicate similarly tend to have a better chance at a relationship.

  A special connection is difficult to find. Preserve it with crystal clear interactions from the start so your relationship has a winning chance.

  
  

First Date Rule #1: Looks Matter

 

There’s no other time when looks matter more than when you’re single.

Keeping fit and making an effort in your appearance says you care about yourself and how you come across. That’s attractive.

Being “attractive” means being ‘appealing, inviting, tempting, sexually alluring’.

How attractive are you these days………?

Gentlemen, how you dress on a first date matters. Most likely, your date has blown out her hair, bought a cute dress, done her nails and then some.

So please iron your shirt, trim your a**neck and don’t wear open-toed sandals, flip flops or tevas. Ever. Don’t be lazy. Even though “it’s LA” or you live on the Westside, you’re not too cool to purposefully look like you made an effort to look good. Having a clear sense of style is hot and will differentiate you from the masses who think Lululemon or Birkenstocks are fashion statements.

Ladies, try to wear something that shows you’re female.

Men enjoy looking at women because we remind them of everything they’re not. Anything too corporate or “crunchy” gives the opposite effect.

Here’s what we’ve heard from some of our clients: “it looked like she was wearing a sack” or “She looked like a busy mom who just threw on lipstick” or “he looked way too casual for a first date” or “it looked like he literally rolled out of bed”.  Some of you may be thinking “I don’t care, this is who I am; take it or leave it” That’s fine if you’re okay being single for awhile.

If you won’t go the extra mile to make a good first impression for your potential future mate, when will you?

I’m willing to bet you make sure you look good for the important presentation at work or when you’re going out with clients.

Meeting the person with whom you’ll possibly spend the rest of your life is hands down even more important. Sure, we know that people get tired and jaded after too many unfruitful first dates, but that should never turn into apathy.

If you’re giving half-a**, you’re going to get half-a**.

We firmly believe there’s someone for everyone BUT the more you’re holding onto those extra pounds, your 20yr old hair style, your parachute pants or “this is who I am; deal with it” attitude, the smaller pool of candidates you will get to choose from. Everybody is special and deserves to be loved and adored. You must give someone a reason to explore your specialness. Like it or not, your presentation is the first step in enticing someone to discover you further.

Top 10 Ways Women Fail With Men in Dating

1. Being too Needy.

It’s a surefire way to turn off a man in the early stages of a relationship. Women need to let men lead. That means he does all the pursuing, calling and planning in the beginning. Enjoy the delicate dance of being seduced and pursued. If he likes you, he will call you.

2. Always saying Yes.

Ladies seem to forget that they had a life before “He” came into it. Maintain your social life and go out with your friends once in awhile. It’s attractive for a man to see that the woman he’s interested in has a life. (In fact, that quality tends to be a prerequisite for a lot of men). It's too much pressure for a man to fee like he's responsible for your livelihood.

3. Being too guarded or neutral on a first date.

If a man has to use a million techniques to get a woman to open up on a first date, he will not ask for a second one. Men are much more inclined to ask a woman out again if she's given him signals that she's interested in him throughout the date. Being too neutral has almost the same effect as being disinterested.

4. Jumping the Gun. Women tend to create a beautiful scenario in their minds before a man even decides if he wants to have another drink with them. It’s important to show him that you like and appreciate him in subtle, feminine ways. Just don't put the cart before the horse and start planning too far in advance. Spend the early stages of the relationship learning about and enjoying one another before you plan to integrate him into other aspects of your life.

5. Just Being Nice.

How many times have you heard your female friends describe her date as a “really nice guy … but” We all know that’s the kiss of death. Only being nice doesn’t get you too far. So don’t just be nice, be other things, too. (Read: Confident, Feminine, Fun, Funny etc..) . You can communicate other aspects of your personality while behaving nicely. What’s your secret weapon?

6. Giving away all of your power.

Some women try to get men to like them by doing whatever the man wants. Men are never attracted to women who they can walk all over. It may be cool to 'get their way' at first but after awhile, it gets boring, they lose respect and usually take advantage of a woman’s desire to please. Don’t ever give away your personal power. It’s yours to keep and protect. You can be agreeable and flexible in a relationship, but you need to have a backbone or else he will take advantage of you eventually.

7. Going to bed too soon.

The type of women men want to settle down with are mostly women who are very selective about being intimate. Give the relationship time to grow; allow him to become emotionally invested in you first ; it will strengthen your bond when you do finally make love. Plus, it’s a lot easier for a woman to walk away from a relationship and move on when she hasn’t been intimate with a man.

8. Looking for Personal Happiness within a relationship.

The only person who can really make us happy is ourselves. Some women tend to look at their relationships as a place to feel complete, but that feeling cannot come from another person if it doesn’t begin with us first. Work on being secure with who you are before you get into a relationship. There is nothing more attractive than a woman who is comfortable with herself – she exudes grace and confidence – which is hugely attractive to a man.

9. Underestimating your Feminine Energy.

Men fall in love with their eyes. They’re attracted to the sway of our hips, the bow of our lips, the small of our back, the scent of our perfume, the softness of our hands, the curve of our calves, etc..The more sensual a woman feels, the more she emits sexiness. So…take a long, hot bath before a date to get in touch with your body, play a favorite song that makes you feel sexy and “own” your favorite body part. Being sexy is a state of mind.

10. Permitting unacceptable behavior early on.

Women have two sets of rules of acceptable conduct: one for their girlfriends and one for their man. Certain behavior that women would not tolerate from their girlfriends become acceptable for the man they’re dating. Like... not calling when they said they would, being chronically late or calling only when they want something. When women make excuses for a man’s lack of consideration, she gives him permission to disrespect her and take her for granted.

Why Certain Women Are Having A Hard Time Dating

When it comes to matters of the heart, people are extremely judgmental when they first meet someone. Call it “thin slicing”, a gut reaction or unconscious behavior, but we make assumptions about others within seconds of meeting them.

As a matchmaker, I can assure you it’s the #1 reason a lot of people are still single.

Often what trips up a lot of women is when they make judgments before they’ve even met their date. Recently we were working with a female client who had a lot of ‘rules’. She had read many books on dating and was determined to implement the techniques that she believed would help her meet the right man. The problem was she allowed these rules to get in her way.


We introduced her to a gentleman and they hit it off on the first date. She was smitten; he was intrigued. He said he’d be in touch with her to ask her out again. Day 2, no call. She assumed the worst. She was offended and did not want to go out with him if he called her later on that day because she did not want to appear to be ‘waiting around for him’. She thought he was playing games. I had to remind her that this gentleman had a life before he met her and not to jump to conclusions. Perhaps it’s a really busy period at his work or something came up that he had to handle or he got sick, etc.. There are a whole slew of challenges that we face on a daily basis that are considered ‘acceptable’ when we know the person.
The gentleman did call her later on in the day and she thanked me profusely for “getting me out of my own way” and has been dating him for a few months now.
We’ve met a lot of women who think men are ‘guilty until proven innocent’ because they’ve been hurt in the past. Every man is different and deserves a chance. And if you’re not finding that is the case, then you better start looking at the choices you’re making.
Sometimes women assume that because a potential match had to reschedule or book a date far in advance that he must not be available for a relationship. Really?! You’ve never even met the person. Give someone the benefit of the doubt. We are leading busier lives these days. Please stop psychoanalyzing, commiserating with your girlfriends or imagining the worst. It’s a great way to sabotage potentially wonderful relationships and it makes you seem rigid and even a little bitter.
Early dating should be playful and lighthearted. Don’t take things so seriously so soon. Expecting perfection and people to be on your schedule and follow your rules will always lead to disappointment.

Be flexible, stay open, say YES and come from fun, not shun.

The WORST offense in Dating. For Men.

Recently I’ve received feedback from three female clients who all shared the same complaint about their first dates: he talked non-stop. All three ladies were annoyed and reluctant to give the respective gentleman a second date. One woman said “I was so bored and unnerved, I just wanted to leave”. The other was a little more amused: “He asked me ONE question the entire night!!!” The third was very disappointed because she liked him initially and interpreted his two hour monologue as a sign of his disinterest. 

 

Most men don’t know when they’re monopolizing a conversation. They could speak for 90% of the time and when I ask them about what they thought of their date, they’ll say “she was great; we had a wonderful time”. Of course you did. Some men are more focused on being interesting than being interested.

Creating rapport is about telling stories, asking background questions and revealing interesting aspects about your personality. The primary focus of this stage is to show the best side of you.
The point of rapport is simple: you’re trying to establish a connection. When you know she’s attracted, you don’t have to worry about impressing her anymore. Instead, you should focus on providing cool details about your life. For example, you could share a few travel stories, unique experiences, interesting jobs you’ve had or passions. Remember to ask “strategic questions” – ask her what you want her to know about you.

Reflect back and share your observation. This is where you need to use your listening and intuitive skills. You’re not stating the obvious, you’re offering up your thoughts. Women will tell you all about themselves if you really listen. By paying attention and then offering your sincere observations, you’re showing her that you care about what she’s saying. There’s nothing that attracts a woman more than being heard and understood.

Challenge her a little. Women like to be challenged because they like men to feel impressed. This is a way to tease a woman and yet get her to know that you are a confident man which women love.

Be a Magnet. Purposefully persuade her to give you her number so you don’t have to ask for it. During conversation when you discover commonalities, be a little slick. If you both like photography, you can casually say “Oh yeah, there’s a fabulous photographer I want to see who's having his first show next week…” or if she expresses that she loves Italian food, you could say: “I’m dying to try this new Italian bistro that just opened; should we check it out together?”

The art of conversation is a delicate dance that requires a shared cadence. Make sure that you’re being the kind of company that you’d like to keep.

Top Eight First Date DON'TS

Top 8 First Date Don’ts

1. Don’t complain. Just because you’re feeling comfortable with the person in front of you and feel compelled to share your tales of woe, don’t. It’s not fun to hear how upset or angry you are about your job / kids / life / daddy / mommy. People may kindly listen but inside they’re thinking what a downer you are.

2. Don’t “over” anything. As in over drink, over share, over do your sarcasm, overuse foul language, over- talk or talk over. Unless you want the date to be over before it even started
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3. Don’t dump your dirty laundry on the table because you want to “get it out there” right away because “it’s a part of who you are”. Um…the stranger in front of you doesn’t‘t need to know about your bad divorce, prior convictions / addictions, bunion surgery or recent bankruptcy on a first date.

4. Don’t try to gage his financial status with questions about the car he drives, if he rents or owns or has a vacation home. It’s transparent and shallow and he will peg you as a gold digger.

5. Don’t be so intense. Make sure there’s levity and laughter otherwise, what is the point? Conversation that comes across as too serious or professional is off-putting. Nobody wants that energy on a first date.

6. Don’t worry about flirting or having a good time because you’re unsure about your date or afraid of leading him / her on. You are still allowed to have fun even if you decide that the person is not right for you.

7. Don’t emphasize your “restrictions” right away. It comes across as high maintenance when you immediately reveal your dietary restrictions, drink restrictions, health issues or crazy busy work schedule. Why lead with something so limiting?

8. Don’t expect too much. Your goal is to have fun, explore and connect. Starting with expectations too high is a recipe for failure. Stay open, hopeful, real and grounded.


Based on consistent feedback from our clients. In no particular order.

"Perfect' in Dating is a myth. Look for Perfection in the Imperfection

The biggest challenge in dating today is that people expect to find their version of perfection…or at least someone who totally fulfills their ‘list of requirements’. We’re a culture who likes to check, check, check things off our list. The problem is, that’s all backwards. Of course you need to make sure that you’re meeting people within your range of fundamental priorities. But at the end of the day, it boils down to the feeling, not the list. When you feel that indescribably delicious chemistry with someone, I guarantee you’re not going to care about those extra pounds / the color of her hair / his height / her degree / his job, etc.. You’re NOT. You’re going to be so happy that you finally connected with your person that you will just deal with the pieces that aren’t a perfect fit.

So unless you’re perfect, do not expect perfection in the man or woman you’re about to meet , date or fall in love with.


Here are some things that you should remember when you’re seriously looking for The One:

1. Don’t fixate on a ‘ type ‘ that works for you because let’s face it, if you’re still single, your type is not working for you.
   
2. Leave your check list at home. When you meet The One, you will FEEL something. That something will feel good. You will be thrilled that you found that long-awaited connection and know that you will handle the imperfections or decide what you can tolerate.
   
3. Simplify. Don’t get consumed by the imperfect moments on a first date. It’s rarely indicative of the real person. Oftentimes, people send their “representative” (aka the image they want to project) instead of their true selves. Don’t hem and haw about the “little things” that weren’t perfect. At the end of the date, just ask yourself one thing: “Overall did I have a good time with this person?” If you did, see them again. It’s really that simple.
   
4. Real perfection is finding someone who challenges you to think differently, see another perspective and makes you become a better person. How boring would it be to have someone just agree with you all the time without having their own opinions?
   
5. Differentiate yourself. Embrace what makes you unique. Don’t wait to bring your fun or goofy side out. Or sweet, nurturing side. Or quirkiness. Stand out. Being genuine is so underrated these days that it’s disarming, charming and will leave an impact.

Oscar Wilde said it best: “Be yourself; everyone else is taken.”